3. [WP] Write the letter that you always wanted to, but never did.

[WP] Write the letter that you always wanted to, but never did.

Mother,

I have waited to let this all out. Not only am I terrible at confrontation, but I didn't want to cause a situation where I wouldn't be allowed to see my baby sister. She's old enough now to choose to have a relationship with me despite anything you try (oh boy and have you tried). You have probably noticed I have stopped calling you mom. I have long stopped repeating "I love you" whenever you say it to me. I don't call you or send you messages. I avoid spending time around you. You fancy yourself the perfect woman and perfect mother, and I'll even admit you're good at convincing strangers of it. You win them over with your bubbly personality, your jokes, your compliments, and lit up smiles. Sometimes a slightly unprofessional, flirtatious touch to their arm. I need to write this out. I need you to see it and understand.

You may have given birth to me, but in no sense have you ever been my mother.

You sold me. From the very beginning I was never a daughter to you, but a commodity. Like some kind of shiny trophy you got bored of instantly and decided to pass around. I don't know what you got out of it, but for years you turned your head the other way. I can't even remember the beginning. I can remember being calm and understanding what I was told to do far back into my foggiest memories. How early did it start? When he changed my diapers? Did you sell me away before I could even breath air? You brushed leaves over me and pretended there was nothing wrong, smiling the way you do to keep your perfect facade of the perfect housewife. You saw the signs, you heard me say things, do things no 2 year old should know to say or do. He wasn't even related to you. He was your father-in-law. Dad showed far more emotion and empathy for me than you ever have. Dad held me. Dad cried for me. Dad swore to cut that man out of his life forever. Dad moved us away. Dad was there with me in court and held my hand. But by that time it was much...much...too late. I was already a teen, and that was already what I knew my entire life to be. Someone's toy.

I didn't have an emotion when I found out he was not going to jail. Not even a restraining order. Nothing happened to him in the end and I felt nothing for it. Do even understand what you forced me to grow up as? I know now how the teachers and my peers must have seen me. Can you comprehend the crushing shame and embarrassment finding out from other children that it wasn't normal, and it doesn't happen to everyone? The looks, the names, the whispers behind your back? I just don't understand. What did you get out of it? I forget, though. You don't care enough to understand. I think the most meaningful thing you ever responded my "Why" with was "Get over it."

You know what, though? I can move beyond you. It's taken time, but I've come to realize that blood means absolutely nothing. I'm not obligated to be loyal to you just because we share DNA. You're not my mom. I don't believe you ever have been. I have slowly begun to unravel the tightly wound cord of anger and hatred from inside me. I'm not done, but I'm much better than where I used to be. I won't allow you to have this hold any longer. I will be able to turn from you and feel nothing but pity.

For now, I can't say I feel bad watching you struggle the way you have after that nasty divorce you dragged my father and my sisters through. Traded a man who worked for your housewife livelihood for a life of "independence"...and joblessness. Traded that large farm house you always wanted, the same one you threw him out of, for a crowded trailer park. Seeing you go down a long string of young, poor, addicted, often married men trying to get your fix of youth just to be in turn ditched for what they know they can get younger and prettier. It's almost funny because the exact words to my father was that he was too old for you. By the way, I hope your 50th birthday cake was tasty.

And try as you may have to make me an unlovable used up ragdoll, I found a wonderful partner who treats me with more kindness, respect, and patience than I ever got at home. He takes time to understand and listen without telling me my feelings are invalid or fabricated. He knows me better than I know myself. The talks I have with him are the kinds I never thought I was allowed in life. He's given me more than I ever deserved, and I will forever be grateful for him. I know to treat him like a human being, to take in his thoughts and feelings and wants to care for him the best I can. I'll never use him the way I see you use everyone else. I will make sure that I respect him as a partner in life and as a human being for as long as we're together. You could never understand what we have. I see the side glances you give him when we visit my sisters. I can see you pining for someone to be that way towards you. You, being the greedy, selfish, calloused thing you are, will never have it.

Before I wrap this up I also wanted to clear up one more thing. It was not my fault that my sister, the "lost cause" one you so lovingly call, attempted to kill herself in her school's bathroom. I wasn't even living at home and dad was homeless 4 hours away and not allowed to see them. You were the only adult in the house. No I did not "brainwash" my sisters to dislike you. You do that perfectly well on your own when you scream at them that they HAVE to love you and when you shove them off beds or into walls. I do want to thank you, however, for waiting inside your doorway to scream those things at me before we rushed to the hospital. It struck this final cord in me to see you for what you are. It started me on this journey to fully cut you out of my head and my life. You finally were honest in how much you hate me in those few minutes. Even though you pretend now it never happened, we all know it did and your words are still ringing clearly inside my head. Finally, no more despairing, pining away for you to love me the way I always wanted you to. I could let go peacefully knowing you never did and never will.

I do pity you. As poisonous as you are to your family, you still make your way around town with a tear in your eye to make sure all our old acquaintances know how traitorous me and my father are. You try to paint this masterpiece of victimhood and unfairness that you can't hold a job and are left raising your last kid, conveniently being silent on how much money dad had been sending you and that you forbade him from seeing his daughter. While we're the big bad trolls who turned rabid on a flawless wife and mother. It's incredibly sad to watch you flounder to keep your perfect picture frame up after telling us how worthless we were to you.

Your oldest offspring

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