This post might make me seem like an atheist, which wouldn't surprise me, but unlike most other atheists I've seen, I take no comfort in being an atheist. I long to return to my Christian origins. As it stands, however, I have no reason to return.

First off, I just want to say that I'm not trying to deconvert you or convince you of anything. I'm just sharing what I (and many other ex-christians) experienced during deconversion. The reason many atheists may seem content is because they have already had to grapple with their beliefs. However, the actual point in deconversion where someone is grappling with those beliefs brings about a lot of self-hatred, depression, and anxiety. Most ex-christians felt very lonely and angry when they were beginning to question their faith. It isn't until that thought process is over that people start to feel better. For some people, deconversion only takes a few months. For others it can take years, but for almost all it requires extreme honesty in the face of great suffering.

I went through the same thing when I was a teenager. I was raised in a christian home, but began deeply questioning my faith when I was about 14. For a long time, I felt like I had to whatever it took to "fix" my beliefs and disprove atheists. When I was about 17, I just accepted that I didn't believe anymore and lived with the idea in mind that there was no god. Now, I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.

I think you should try checking out /r/exchristian. There are various threads devoted specifically to deconversion stories and various bits of wisdom. Whatever you inevitably decide to believe, good luck to you