Neco, the mad artist. This is a small piece and I'm hoping for a small critique. It'd be nice if in the description you clarified your style etc. I like when people say a little about their piece in the description. It definitely makes it easier to critique. But anyways.
The title of this piece is Neco, the mad artist and in the google docs it is called Neco, the virtuoso.
So, why in the second line do you feel the need to say:
There was Neco lurking in the shadows of the moon.
1) Shadows of the moon. Purple af. Shadows CAST by the moon - that makes sense. Be concrete. Don't fuck around with me.
Also.
2)Activate the sentence. 'Neco lurked in the shadows cast by the moon'. There we go. Make the story happen before me.
Let's look at this sentence:
He was an artist, this virtuoso simply painted in blood and played with gunshots.
Horribly telling. It's not only telling, it's telling stuff we already know.
Instead of beginning the sentence with 'was was an artist' etc. describe him actually painting in blood and playing with gunshots. Bring that image into my mind. This isn't a monologue, this is a narrative, so please give me some image to work with.
Mindless drones funneled in and out of trains
More purple than barney the dinosaur
In this dystopian society, any performance was welcome.
Exposition alert. Exposition alert. Again, don't tell us this is dystopian. SHOW IT TO ME.
Here's a problem that's a little hard to catch:
Luckily for the crowd, Neco felt an endless desire to put on a “killer” show that would never end. In the run-down train station, the smell of alcohol and rust permeated throughout the dreary platforms.
Two sentences in a row beginning with a subordinate clause (?). Be careful. It affects rhythm and flow. It also is an example of lazy writing.
Smell permeating is very bland. It's not very active. Make things happen. What does the smell do. Don't just describe, make it apart of the atmosphere.
A train squealed to a halt, and its brakes and wheels screeched in protest
Squealed to a halt. Meh.I guess I can deal with that. It's very cliche. every story with a train has them squealing to a halt but anyways. the wheels then screech? Yo, what was squealing in the first place? That high pitch sound is also the wheels on the tracks. Don't double up on the description. It's long and the literary equivalent of polystyrene balls.
“And here is the star of our show.” Neco murmured
Incorrect dialogue punctuation. There should a comma before the speech marl, not a full stop because it precedes a dialogue tag.
Neco murmured from beneath his visage and grinned as he unveiled the tool of his art from beneath his cloak. The light of the moon gleamed off of his gun, oh how it smiled in the light.
Look how long these two sentences are. Make sure you vary your sentence length.
The light of the moon gleamed off of his gun, oh how it smiled in the light.
light repeated twice. 'Oh how it smiled' is very purple again. moonlight gleaming is very cliche.
I'm going to stop prose comments there because I can't be bothered to keep going. You have a lot of passive sentences. The action all happens in the past. The dialogue is contrived and stilted. It's trying to be too old fashioned and doesn't sound real.
Seeing as this piece is very much dialogue I would look into fixing that.
I didn't enjoy this story. It doesn't say anything. Itss just 400 or so words of a guy shooting people. Not interested. I'm sorry i can't give more of a critique.