I swing between blaming my mom for being a neglectful, alcoholic, pretty much useless parent, and blaming myself for not taking care of myself when she wouldn't, thus ending up barely being able to take care of myself as an adult because I never learned. In my mind I should've somehow been able to learn to be a parent to myself. In elementary school. Even though it was absolutely her responsibility, not mine. I hate feeling like that.

I've been keeping in touch with her a bit more for the last year or so, which is something I suppose. Two years back I was considering completely cutting her out of my life because fuck her. Why should I bother giving a damn about her when she sure as hell didn't/couldn't give a damn about me? :/

Up until I was 19-20 years old, I always told people that she was "a good mother but a bad parent." Eventually I realized that she really wasn't a good mother either. She just wasn't ever there for me but I was still supposed to be a good kid and be there for her. It just baffles me that I spent such a long time giving her the benefit of the doubt or whatever. We (older sister and myself) should've been taken into custody way, way sooner than we were. I feel like that might've given me more of a fair chance at life, if anyone had been taking care of me. It really didn't need to be her.

TLDR: I hate her, I absolutely blame her, but I get along with her great as long as I don't think about how I deserved a better caretaker as a kid. On the other hand I blame myself for not stepping up and learning to parent myself. It's like I can't forgive both of us at the same time and swinging between the two is just... exhausting.