As someone who was abusive in various ways (not violent) throughout my own past relationships, I very much identify with what you describe. I know it feels impossible to ever forgive yourself or to truly move forward. If you do move forward, it feels like you’d have to conceal this from new people. The alternative is shame or outright rejection. Will it ever be possible to be both honest and accepted again?
These are hard question and they’re the cost of this behavior. If some people knew, they would never forgive you. You have to work on accepting that.
But I can honestly tell you that it can get better. My abuse occurred three years ago and, from the minute I realized I had behaved abusively, I have been going to therapy twice a week every week, including one group session that focuses on male abusers.
At first, the abuse felt like it was all consuming. I hated myself and wanted to die because what I had done permeated every part of me so completely that I could no longer enjoy anyone or anything. Later, it felt like there was a split inside of me. Like I could be happy, but only in moments of temporary escape. Eventually the thoughts of what I had done came back and completely paralyzed me for days or weeks. In the past year, though, I’ve gotten to a new place. I feel like the abusive is part of me again, but not all of me. It’s not something I can compartmentalizations and run from, but it’s something that I acknowledge, accept, regret, and know is a really ugly, bitterly objectionable step in my own growth. That is part of me, but I am not that person anymore. I only came to this point after years of talking, thinking, and sharing with those who had similar stories. I’m not done and hope that one day I will feel even healthier with additional work.
Do I still have days where the guilt overwhelms me? Yes. While I hope this doesn’t trigger others, I loved the woman I abused. I loved her more than anyone I’ve ever known. The reason I was able to push through all of this and not kill myself is because I owed it to her to do so. If I killed myself, she’d feel eternally guilty because she would always suspect it had something to do with her. That is not the way to fix abuse. And, if I stayed alive and didn’t change, then I was dishonoring her by pretending that what she went through didn’t matter. I will likely never see her again, but she would’ve wanted me to change. For others and for myself.
And it will help you, too. I didn’t know I was being abusive; I was lost and trying everything I could to avoid abandonment. Dealing with what I did allowed me to not only change my relationship with the abuse, but with the reason the abuse happened. I feel like I know how to deal with fear, with anxiety, with panic, and with feeling love. Before those things were so foreign that they overtook my brain like a tsunami; today, I can better process them and act accordingly. This has ultimately made me a much, much, much better person. And though it was never the goal, it also made me more capable of being happy.
The first regrets I will always have about my abuse were how it impacted my ex. I think of her everyday and I think about her sweetness and her intelligence and her enthusiasm for us. I repaid all that with misery and I pray every day that she has moved past it and is happy. The second regret, however, is that I was not the man I am today when I was with her. Because, if I had been, I know regret #1 wouldn’t ever have existed. Thats a great feeling. Not as good as complete absolution, but - believe me - it’s worth it.