So, my mom has been abusive to me my whole life. I used to cry over how we would never have a good relationship. She was on drugs and eventually she got to the point where she was homeless for several years with my younger siblings, and no matter what I did I couldn't seem to make anything better.

One day, she got clean.

I was cautious, but optimistic for her. I supported her emotionally but not monetarily, kept my boundaries clear, and really really wanted the best for her. Then all of a sudden things started just naturally falling into place, we started working out together and I remember her thinking how crazy it was to be in a life where she could have a gym membership when she used to not be able to know what she was going to eat that night. She gave me rides to college even though she didn't live with me she, she would drive out and give me a ride to the school because I woke up late. She started paying my brother's half of the rent because he was depressed and I was supporting him I was holding me back. We started having real, clothes, conversations. I could not believe my luck. I felt like we had built this bond that I had so so desired.

And then I got lazy.

There been many events now that I've caused me to go temporarily no contact with my mom. I think, to keep this concise, I'll just say that the behaviors flared back up. And now, I'm reeling more than ever. These past couple months have been the hardest because I now got a glimpse of what I feel like I'm losing, whereas before I just had an idea of what I relationship could be like if we were healthy. Now I know what that looks like, and I don't know what I did or what I could have done to stop it from going south again.

I thought that we were close enough that I can really talk to her. I thought that we had built up this relationship, so that if she was freaking out and having a drug / mental breakdown, I could come over sit down with her and say hey, we're going to get through this but you need to cut out the screaming. All I learned was that no matter how close we got, she will turn on me on a dime.

And I think that realization is sadder now more than ever.

(P.s. not to be a bummer, I really hope things work out with you and your mom, this is just been my experience with this. I keep asking myself why I can't have the relationship that I had with her again for those few months. Because i know now that she is capable of it What did I do wrong? How did I make everything bad again? How is it always my fault?)