Wife here. I feel that some light needs to be shed on my part as I think my husband has a lot of emotions clouding his thoughts and has left a few details out. And I would like some advice on this as well.
I have always been into bdsm as long as I can remember. My husband has known this. I was severely physically and mentally abused by my father since I was very young and maybe that's why I can't shake the deep desire for bdsm (I don't really care to be reduced/picked apart as a psychological study but I'm willing to go to therapy if that's what it takes) it's not merely a fantasy for me. I didn't marry someone who could intentionally hurt me to the level I sexually desire and have them be okay with it on purpose. I didnt settle for love, we make an unmatched team together and it has never crossed my mind to be unfaithful. I am a one-man kind of girl. My husband is loving and there isn't an abusive bone in his body and our marriage is fantastic. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who is NOTHING like my abusive father. I cannot stress this enough.
Last year, my husband and I have been going through some rough patches, one instance affected me the most, when he told me he was deeply depressed and didn't want to be married anymore because he feels like he missed out on single life (we got married very young) and wanted to be on his own and travel, and have experiences on his own. It killed me (still does a little), for sure, I had noticed that he was getting distant and cold but he didn't tell me that anything was up when I pressed him repeatedly and just thought maybe I was going crazy and paranoid. We are (I am, anyway) really good about communication and for him to shut me out was hard. Turned out my instincts were somewhat correct. I thought we were over but we worked through it.
We downloaded tinder a couple months ago together. I have been upfront about everyone I matched with and it has been mostly for jokes and working on our social game (we are terrible at small talk and making new friends) and just like with this particular guy in question (let's call him A), the few matches I talked to knew I was just looking for a friendship. A knows I am married and wants full consent from my husband before we do anything. A is adamant that he wants nothing to do with any kind of harm on our marriage. We are not even on the same coast as we just moved back home for a bit and nothing has happened in person. After my husband's and my talk (and his absolute approval) about an open relationship, I tested the waters as I felt like A had the capacity for light sadism in the way he worded some of his (nonsexual) texts.
My husband gave full consent. I did not initially approach him or push him on the fact that I was interested in dating other people. He wants the freedom to live somewhat of a bachelor life and now I see that p.o.v. and would like the same. We are not the type to hold each other back, we are very open-minded and supportive people.
I have read to my husband 90% of our conversation. The other 10% is A and I discussing each other's bdsm boundaries (and some sexting) which are quite a bit fucked up, so out of context they seem (even to me) pretty dark and I don't want this darker side of me to influence my husband's view of me, which I know it will, however much he tries not to. It's not all of who I am, but it is a part of me.
My husband and I don't regularly have sex in the recent months. He has said his libido is decreasing with age and I am feeling mine is only increasing. He shuts down my sexual advances but gives in occasionally when I get really desperate. Women that can relate, how do you cope?
Tl;dr- I need bdsm in my life to feel whole/sane. There was absolutely nothing serious going on before my husband gave consent 3 weeks ago. A is single and is open to trying mutual bdsm fulfillment with my husband's consent.
I'm sure there are many questions I forgot to answer, I would much rather people ask than jump to the worst conclusion and suggest divorce. Thank you guys for your much needed insight!