Let me just say as someone who spent her whole life having one side of the family treat the the day before my birthday (which was also the death anniversary of a family member) like it was an international day of morning...it was not good for my mental health.

Please don't do this to your daughter. I'm 40, I've had therapy and I still get anxiety around my birthday. My parents always had a birthday party for me and celebrated. But the build up to having one side of the family bring up all that trauma they never processed every year leading up to the celebration of my life, just really messed with me. And my mother never said anything to me because she went along with everyone else. I should have been told how unhealthy that was they were like that so I didn't associate it with myself. It had nothing to do with me.

You all (as well as my family) have birthday memories before the tragedy. I didn't. And neither does your daughter.

Sending lots of compassion your way. I know first hand how immensely difficult this situation is.