I have some sympathy for you. I live in a country where the locals (including my spouse) wash dishes in soap and NEVER rinse them. They just let them dry with soap residue all over them. It drives me crazy as I was always taught soap coated dishes can cause stomach distress. Nope, spouse won't change to meet what they view as my cultural quirkiness. At the same time, the way you write about your wife sounds like you have zero respect for her. That is what makes you AH in my opinion. It is unclear to me if your wife is demonstrating passive aggressive behavior towards you (which would make her AH) or has some sort of mental block and just doesn't get it (which would be very sad but wouldn't maker her an AH). So IMO its either YTA or perhaps ESH.