NTA

It's a long story so sorry for it!

Both me and my husband chose to not accept high paying job offers in a different area because this means leaving his 90 years old grandma alone.

She raised him from newborn age because his mother kept only 1 child and "didn't have money, time, space for him" (MIL lived in 4 bdr house, had a well paying job and both kids have the same father).

My husband grew up poor but he was loved and grandma made him the man who is today.

I would never ever tell her that we have been offered jobs elsewhere because she loves him so much that she will tell us to go, even if this will break her heart.

She doesn't want to live with us because we "are a family now and doesn't want to be a burden". So i do whatever i can to make sure she is as happy and well as I can. I make sure I cook all her favorite foods, there's a woman who helps her when we're not there, we (and her son) pay everything for her, we buy her everything she needs and i personally struggle to find new things that she would like, so that she's happy.

She never asked for a thing. But i love her and i want her to be happy. Imagine that every time we go there i have at least 6 meals freshly made, froze, that i cook starting the day before until the next morning. It means so little to do for her, considering the fact that she sacrificed so much for my husband.

And the job offers come with a salary 5-10 times more than we have now - which aren't small ones. But we know that we both would feel guilty for leaving her alone.

And please imagine the fact that at first she didn't even like me because i wasn't what she hoped her "son" should have. But she changed her mind after she saw that her "son" is happy and we do not fight, we care about eachother, we love eachother, we support eachother.

I never asked my husband to stop visiting her, i knew she was only worried about his hapiness and i knew that she will change her mind once she knows me.

Funny enough - her son (my husband's uncle) and his wife also acted cold towards me until they finally saw the truth. My MIL, on the other hand - that's a different story... She still thinks that his ex girlfriend is a better choice for him because she likes her more and even today speaks bad about me with his ex.

I told my husband that i will agree with helping his bio mom (when she won't be able to take care of herself, because now we only give her money) even though she doesn't like me.

So i understand why you feel thisway. I know you cannot choose to ignore your mother. Your wife is wrong for asking you to choose between the 2 of them.

Even if you choose your wife, you will forever resent her for forcing you to choose. This is the part where i would expect my spouse to support me. Because i think that if it were her mother, i think she would choose her mother over you.