The best way I can put it is I have always had this sense I wasn’t made out of exactly the same stuff

You're not alone there, dude.

All my life I’ve mostly had female friends because the way guys treated me differently was un-fucking-bearable, and I remember being fascinated by them from a very early age because they were definitely different from me on some kind of basic level, even the rare ones who were more masculine than me.

Or there. I always felt like I was peering over a fence of sorts, trying to catch a glimpse of life on the other side.I didn't fit in with the girls, but was rejected by the boys; Every "you can't play" and "no girls allowed" hurt me more than anything, so eventually I just stopped trying.

Hang in there, man. It was really tough coming out those first couple of times, but once you know you have some people on your side, it makes things easier. I have trouble being vulnerable too. It's hard for me to have serious conversations without turning everything into a joke, and I hate people seeing me cry (and seeing other people cry for that matter). It may not be easy, but in the end, it's worth it. And coming out is scary. It's alright to be afraid. I didn't think I had the courage to do it, but when it's do or die, it makes the decision easier. It makes you braver.

Maybe it hasn't come to a head for you yet. Eventually you'll reach the breaking point if you're not already there. The only way to know for sure if this is what you want is to try.

My original thought was that I was "fine." I knew what I wanted, but it seemed so unattainable that I didn't consider it an option. I thought that I was okay, that I could just "fine" my way through life and be alright. I guess I just sort of reached a point where "fine" wasn't good enough anymore. And I decided that my happiness was actually worth whatever it took to achieve it.