It was the first time I had moved away from home and he was the first guy I connected with. But he lied from the beginning. Told me he was a couple of years younger than he was so I wouldn't think he was too old. Told his last serious relationship had ended 6 months ago rather than 2 weeks.
Then came the putting me down. Any male guy I meet is trying to fuck me so I can't hang out with them. Why was I wearing make up? To impress someone that wasn't him? You've put on weight. Girls shouldn't drink beer, it's unladylike. I've had sex before him? That's so weird, most girls at 18 aren't such sluts.
And then he caved to his crippling gambling addiction for which he owed his parents thousands of pounds. And started asking me for money. And then started taking it from me. He left me in the middle of the Scottish country side at 5am because I was being an uppity bitch in front of his friends because he owed me, a student with no income, £300. And then he raped me because I had the audacity to have a friendly chat with a random dude at a bar while he was literally 5 feet away.
I broke up with him when I'd finally broken the mould and made some friends that were outside of his control. So many people tried to get me to break up with him but I was blind. He trashed my room in uni accommodation and MADE ME DRIVE HIM BACK TO HIS PARENTS HOUSE with all his stuff that had accumulated of him basically moving into to my tiny room. I cried the entire 30 minute drive. I told him I'd take him back if he stopped gambling. I circled the town two times waiting for him to come around through panic attack tears.
and then I snapped. I stopped feeling. He called me 15 minutes after I left telling me to come back and we'd fix it and I told it was done and drove off. I remember it so clearly. I didn't have any proper feelings for easily 14 months. I developed a drinking/eating disorder and just buried it.
After a couple of botched attempts I'm now in a really lovely relationship with the most caring man I've ever met. I still have nightmares. But what I really found was that with my other friends, people who were in the same boat, I empathised with them. They knew I'd experienced the same thing. When I told them that you need to break up with them, and it will suck but it's the right thing to do they believed me because I told them what the endorphins were covering up.
It does get better. Even if it seems like it won't. And you can always get out.