I was terrified of having children. My birth mother was, oh, let's call her special because we're not suppose to speak ill of the dead. All I know is we were taken away from her, I was only 3 1/3, I was use to taking care of other children and wouldn't let anyone help me if I could do it myself because I was terrified I'd be abandoned again.

My second parents were better, god knows they try, but my mom is an enabler and my dad is her golden child (I mean, since I turned 12, it's always my fault. He's the parent, I should be the adult and yeah, I've heard/read that in the same paragraph.) I was fucking terrified of children and when I got pregnant I have never wanted to run father because I was so scared I'd be an awful mother.

But... I have actually had people walk up to me with my daughter and former step daughter to tell me I'm a good mother. It doens't override entirely how my mother views my parenting but I like to remember it because 1. No one else I know has had it happen so maybe I am good? and 2. Their opinion of me never seems to have anything to do with what I'm currently doing and entirely based on past issues, usually preteen-early teens, and in college after I was raped and I had the audacity to not get better on my own with no support emotionally from anyone.)

I don't think I'm a bad mother. I've had more input about my parenting from strangers than my parents. I moved halfway across the country first. I find I listen to my daughter. Not her words, how she's reacting, standing, sounds. From the day she was born I started learning her because I felt I was never understood. Everything I do with her is a reflection of what she's done, how she feels, what she's doing, and I teach her yes and no around her.

Even my mom noted how polite she is, how loving and caring. You can do it too, you know what hurts. Just don't do what hurts, do what helped and felt good.