I can definitely relate to that description. I mostly stopped talking to people that were influencing me one way or another. Living was really hard at first without someone telling me what to do it making decisions for me. But then I slowly got stronger. Over time I got proof that I was capable r making good decisions on my own. Maybe I got interested in a class - and went to it without asking someone else if they thought it was a good idea. Then I read about something I wanted to try - and I walked to the bookstore and bought what I needed to try it. It was slow and simple things that got me to where I am today. I'm still not very good at anything. Some children are allowed to develop hobbies and have 20+ extra years of experience doing something than I do. But I have found some things I like that give me joy. Like playing a few chords on the ukulele. Or cooking something that I like. It wasn't a conscious decision to be this way. It just sort of happened after I started to trust myself. I was only able to trust myself after I got those negative influences out of my head. My father to this day if I call him and run a plan by him, the first words out of his mouth are reasons for why the plan is ridiculous. So I've learned to just get family news from him and not get advice. I even married an abusive N because I thought I was worthless, and he was the only one who was telling me the truth (that yes, I was worthless). So... It's a journey. But the first steps for me were seeing, that yes, I can trust myself to make good decisions and , yes, I am comfortable with being alone. Then it followed that I could find a all amounts of joy in doing thugs for myself. And it's still hard today to keep from second guessing myself. And I will never be assertive on the off chance that I'm wrong about whatever it is that ok discussing. But it has gotten slowly better for me. And it can get better for you. it takes time to make friends, too. I tried to jump into some friendships that didn't pan out. But I think slowly over time building relationships without them having to be black or white friendly or not friend helped. And as far as motivation goes - I'm always surprised at how well received I've been when I'be sought something in particular. It turns out that the hardest part for me is just asking for what I want. People are generally more than happy to give it to me or help me get it. The struggle is internal - most people won't notice or assign importance to it. I'm a high school dropout. When I left home at 16, I didn't know how to brown meat or scramble an egg. I thought I would be [insert minimum wage job] forever. But one day I decided to ask someone to let me into their college because I thought, well maybe life could be different. Then one day I asked someone to let me into grad school even though it looked like this out of reach ideal situation that was reserved for those greater than me. But they let me in. And now I feel like I can do whatever I want to do. But I know I won't be great at it right away - it will take time. And knowing that takes the anxiety away.

Sorry for the long stream of consciousness... Hope it makes sense.