Oh yes I've had the black cloud for many years, teenage years I never knew what it was...then my dad spiralled into it badly once the coal mines closed and he was bed ridden for months, I became the man of the house and shut my emotions down and rucked through it and put myself secondary to everything going on.
Step forward to my mid twenties and I moved to Pennsylvania as I'd met an American girl here in the UK, I was the perfect boyfriend/husband for a few years then the black cloud came down...lack of support group, lack of close friends and trying to be a "man" and a wife who didn't want to acknowledge this was happening to me, the light had gone out from behind my eyes, then it would come back and the snide comments and actions from my wife would bring it all crashing down, she ended up having an affair with a work colleague and when confiding in my dad he immediately bought me a flight home and I slotted back in to having friends and family who loved and cared for me.
Shoot forward a few years after having blips, working for a large financial corporation where I worked myself to the noose more or less, underpaid, under appreciated and overworked and burnt out completely, I'd gone from competing in strongman to bursting into tears in my car everytime I tried to step in the gym, raging and crying at the world everyday, it took the failing and heartbreak of a failed relationship for me to ask for help and my dad stepped in to give me guidance and help get medical advice, he could see the signs and I can still recall the appointment with the GP, the knowledge that this foul thing wouldn't control me anymore, was signed off work for 2 months and came back to be made redundant "due to role changes".
Roll forward 5 years and I'm stronger than ever, I feel like me and the man I should be, I'm with an amazing girl who when I slipped into a dark place held me, told me it will all be OK and she'll be here for me, christ I'd never had that...to know I could be vulnerable and be loved still.
To take a quote from a book I read many years ago "you will get better, if you don't understand this then you won't get better"