I've suffered depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up it was totally alienation, my father is military so I rarely got to see him growing up, my mother works for the hospital and used to work evenings through night shifts, and I have an older brother who would rather be with friends than be with his little brother and when he was home he would beat the living shit out of me, when parents were there they wouldn't do anything. Being bullied in school never helped either. I was a social outcast and I was indefinitely stuck in my own head all day (talking to myself with actual conversations, I'd daydream and pay no attention in school) when I got to middle school I fell into drug abuse, popping pills and shooting heroine by 9th grade. But that's a huge gap and I'll save all those stories for when I feel like I'm ready to share with reddit (haven't posted a thing cause I know how judgemental people can be on here) of course being a military brat I had to move a lot, so on top of that it was really hard for me to make friends, transitioning between 3 elementary schools, 2 middle, and 3 high schools. In 10th grade I got to experience my first serious and committed relationship, my parents being still married as well as high school sweet hearts I pressured myself to find the one while in high school, dated this girl for almost a year and I thought I was completely head over heels for her, she cheated on me and didn't tell me until the morning of my birthday. On top of that shit cream we can sprinkle the little fact that she spreads rumors that I "abused her" and would "force" her to have sex with me which was never the case. And she got a guy (he was 20 and I was 17) to punch me in the face and I almost lost my two front teeth (I set them back in place myself, it hurt a lot) and had to get root canals on both of them. I've attempted suicide on numerous occasions, never backing out on each one they just fell through. The bullets in my grandfather's revolver were coincidently already spent and i was to chicken shit to reload it, 2nd I tried to overdose on pills and instead got extremely doped up and sick, 3rd time I tried to hang myself with a fashioned noose out of two belts (which is very possible to make) and the belt snapped as i was dangling there, my face red and purple I could feel the veins in my neck and head bulge from lack of air. My 4th and final attempt (which was recent) I was driving my car at 3 in the am the street was completely clear of cars (i wouldn't ever dare to take another life other than my own) and i closed my eyes, took a deep breath, let the steering wheel go, and pressed on the gas. When i woke up I was dangling by my seatbelt (my dumb ass forgot to unbuckle) and a fire man was tapping on my window, my head was pinned against the wheel because my windshield caved in because I rolled my car 3 to 4 times in a ravine according to a witness. The fire crew had to use the jaws of life, and to add on they had to cut my shorts off and i wasn't wearing any boxers, there was surprisingly a crowd of people given the time, so i was injured, I was "exposed" to the cold world, and worst yet I was still alive. My friend used to say it's the luck of the Irish since my heritage it's mainly Irish. But I never believed in luck. I had to go into a mental home for 2 weeks, where we had to go to group therapy with some of the worst people, most of them were crazed because of drug abuse. But those stories are for another time. I live life accepting now that for some reason i cannot die by my own hand. So I wait patiently, waiting for something to happen, like a murderer kills, someone shoots the place I am in, I get hit by a car, a storm, SOMETHING that can rid me of this life long pain I have had to endure. You go looking for help but the helps not there, the psychiatrists, the therapists, the psychologists, the fucking god awful lithium(anti depressants which is a stopped taking) and any "friend" you try to open up to it about they don't understand nor do they want to, people who want to help end up saying things worse than the ones who grief you for it. People say its selfish or godless, if there is a god he's playing ago pretty cruel joke, and as for it being "selfish" the way I see it is end be doing everyone a favor, I have no friends, a shakey relationship with my family, and most of all I am still and most likely always will be alone. And it's funny, or maybe even ironic. You grow up dreaming and hoping to change the world for the better, but it's the world changing you for the worst. My name is jeff, I am bipolar, manic, and suffer from depression, though I know I'm not the only one who faces these issues, but I am insignificant none the less.