When ppl try to get closer/know me more I get irritable. As if they are being invasive and offensive. But I know that is me projecting my own frustration and pain that I can’t let them get close as much as I want them to/want me to. Bc it’s easier to act as tho they are doing something wrong to try to get me less interested in them bc I can’t follow thru with reciprocating interest. But then I flip flop to despising myself, getting extremely depressed, and suicidal bc I am getting held back by my self to experience happiness. It is more than uncomfortable. It’s really unbearable and initiates completely avoiding them person and appearing cold to push them away. Giving and getting affection is super uncomfortable bc of how foreign it is. I’m working on all these things now tho. Im ready to stop the cycle