This is a very timely post for me as a student. I'm coming off a month of living in the disengaged state because of winter break. Today was the first day of classes and I've been distressed as I'm having to figure out how to get by in the real world again.

I came home for Christmas and new years during which I spent 95% of the time in my childhood bedroom. I couldn't stand being cooped up there so I've been back in my apartment since early January. I've had zero social interactions the past two weeks. I'll tell you, it's bizarre returning to the real world after spending weeks alone with nobody but yourself. It's like you're switching between two completely different states of mind.

This certainly wasn't my first time I've been isolated for an extended duration. The thing that scares me most as I gain more experience with it is realizing that living that way doesn't bother me anymore. It's the only time I feel at peace with myself. I'm given the perspective to notice all the things I hate about real world where it seems like just about everything makes me anxious.

I can't accept living in the disengaged state forever because I'm also driven by shame and fear of regret. I'm at peace there, but it's a really empty peace with no possibility for happiness. The longer you spend there, the more anxiety inducing it is to come back. I didn't exactly have a choice with the scheduling this time, but I know how easily days can turn into weeks, months, years, etc. I don't think there's any winning between the two. I guess it's just who I am to be trapped by avoidance into only being able to do enough to scrape by.