Hunny i feel for you, I really do.

r/narcissisticabuse was a great sub that helped me see that I was not in love, but rather I had become addicted to my abuser- as many people do

Leaving an abusive, manipulative person is profoundly lonely, but I promise you it is beyond worth it

You may not see your SO as abusive (whether physical, or emotional abuse) or manipulative- but from everything you have described I am certain that he is both of those things towards you

I left my abuser about three years ago, and it still hurts to this day to know I lost someone so special to me. But I will forever be thankful that I got myself out of his mess. I am with someone who really sees me for me- and loves every bit of me and I know that I am infinitely happier being appreciated and loved than I could ever have been with my abuser

A book that truly changed so much for me :

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

I am strongly recommending this book to you- i hope it may open your eyes more to the toxic relationship you are in and help you see that your SO is nothing special other than a manipulative prick

Reach out to me anytime :) I spend way to much time on reddit anyways