I feel liberated today. I literally couldn't eat for a week straight, zero cravings for food and getting nauseous at the thought of it, even McDonald's made me gag. Only person I really talk to is my mom and one friend across the country sometimes. I was eating like 100 calories a day (this is the opposite of the binges I will do staying home and ordering delivery every day for a month, smoking cigarettes for the first time with like half a pack a day, gaining weight). I went to the ER today and lots of people were able to talk to me. I was a struggling mess, crying, completely zoning out like I was and feeling like a little child complaining, but at the same time, everyone mostly understands if they have gone through it similarly like all of us here, and sometimes I ask them them that, if they've ever felt the same, and they are technically there to help and most do their job with care. The psychiatrists I went to before were in an awkward office setting, and was a 10 minute appointment to change my drug or dosage every time. I'm happy to be off all the meds now, had bad side effects and never was suicidal in my life before (alcohol mixing with a benzo (lorazepam for anxiety) which I had no idea about interacting obv made things worse).

I got resources for a outpatient (and inpatient) clinic for behavioral health which I walked into, talked with the front desk lady and spent probably a half hour in the waiting area if I should go in and speak my mind (didn't want to say I was feeling suicidal, or they'd Baker-Act me in there and come out with a $15k insurance bill, trust me I got one already. took hard focusing, telling myself I'm going to stop using alcohol/weed until I am able to treat myself with those things, especially getting a dang job which everyone drug tests here in FL. Today, I stepped back and am realizing I can grow out of the state I was in, learn to not give a shit and just live a happy life for myself doing the things I choose to enjoy.