we split up 10 years ago, I ran out of money and my parents (mum) in fearful need to coddle me insisted I move back home. I had mental breakdown, chronic fatigue, bed ridden, couldnt move etc.
she never visited. not once. dont get me wrong, I have a terrible temper and can say horrible things, but I loved her intensely. I think she told me she had fucked some guy she met a busstop, who said he wanted to take naked photos of her.. yes, really ... that classy... I think she did that as revenge because I slept with some girl. the big difference was that I did it because I liked the girl and she did it just to trash herself / hurt me. we had also agreed sleeping with people was okay.
so I left London and she MOVED IN with the guy from the busstop and it turned into something like a drug squat, and she was paying his rent, and his friends were having se with her. oh fuck it wasnt as bad as I'm saying, but these things did happen. actually I met her briefly on my birthday and I just slept next to her. it was betiful feeling her against my face i just didnt want the feeling to end, she tried to have sex with me but I thought it would be the right thing to just show her I loved being with her. wrong.
I didnt stop thinking about her for years. then bumped into her in the street while thinking about her. literally every minute of every day I missed her. she was married then. I was still mentally broken and it didnt even register
about 2 years ago I cued myself again. actually it triggered an intense spiritual experience and I was incredibly happy all the time for months. I could handle people easily - make friends everywhere I went and very confidence / sharp - my luck just went from strength to sttrengh. was making friends everywhere I went, pay rises, you name it, but I had this hole missing her. I felt from the spiritual experience I could influence reality. I know that sounds nuts, and essentailly sounds psychotic/schizo - but I know it wasn't and I was aware the entire time the absurdity of it all, but also that it entirely worked. but actually it wasnt that crazy and it also worked completely. so I just wished her back. we got back in contact. she decided to leave her deadbeat husband who didnt love her, refused to say "I love you" when she would beg him in tears, didnt like kissing her etc. - decided to leave him and come back to UK
things couldnt be better. I had good job, good prospects, I was doing brilliantsly and VERY persuasive and confident and just everything going well, and she was coming back and I knew I could handle her with this new state-of-mind, and I loved her deeply. we planned kids, holidays, all kinds.
She cancelled the kid idea. didnt actually let me know. just kind of mentioned it in passing one day. hard to describe the pain. I was one minute reading about bipolar mothers, thinking about what I'd need to save money-wise, reading about pregnancy etc. then just like that... gone. Cancelled living together. just dropped in that she'd signed a contract one day, didnt let me know. my hopes of spending weeks together, eating dinner together after work etc. gone, just like that. she'd say I was unreasonable and why I cant i just be happy for her?
obviously theres two sides, Id say hurtful things too. I can be very hurtful and say horrible things which is a skill I'm very unproud of. but I'd always say sorry and tell her when I was wrong. I dont think I've ever heard her apologise for a single thing... like... I dont know... its weird I dont get it... when you know youre wrong... you say sorry, right? when you know you didnt mean something and you've cooled off ... tell the person you didnt mean it
she actually would spend days trawling emails and texts and reading hurtful things I'd said. She even spent time writing every hurtful thing I'd said on her bedroom wall... like... I dont know I cant even begin to describe how this is the opposite to how to fix a relationship or fix anything.
anyway I was determined not to lose her like 10 yeas ago and I set about trying to recreate the feelings of elation I used to have in trance, so I forcibly started chasing that feeling and it started causing pain and stupidly I pushed through it .
Also was having a war at work with a guy who was smearing me and trying to take over my team. so between them my mental health was crumbling. also was addicted to sleeping-pills (I can only say avoid these like the plague).
I started getting body pains and at times was losing my balance and getting dizzy, but I still continued. body pains got worse and worse (Fibromyalgia) and were constant its impossible to think like that. Neck stiffens badly. its stiff now but its not too bad. Finally 3 months ago got chest pains and it was serious enough I just said enough is enugh and nearly quit.
My boss loves me because when I'm good I'm very good, and I can solve things other people cant, and being BPD have an insane ability to ignore difficulty and just intensely do something - so like we would at times work 20 days straight with no breaks, just leaving work going into a hotel and then back into work in the morning, and the company survived and got its first customers because of that. So thats why he stands by me and wants me better.
Anyway, chest pains started and that was last straw I went to quit and my boss insisted no, take time off if you need it we'll get you better, so I'm very very lucky to be still in a job, because I guess I'm pretty unusual and valauble to him, but that can only last so long I guess.
anyway, so yeah, if I think about her I go into anguish, heart racing start falling over, get into rage, scrtching, headbutting walls etc. tearing skin,
I think abouther almost all the time. my body physically hurts from it. its pretty unhealthy. I adore her still, but I torture myself imagining how she's probsbly fucking different guys etc. I'm so heartbroken I cant think about sex
theres way more. ugh, sorry I'm splurging again, and being negative again. dont know why I'm doing it, it doesnt make anyone feel better.
:) thanks for listening