This is so hard... I relate so much. I have a lot of insecurity in my voice. I've been off T for many years and it's lightened to somewhere in the middle where I feel like I never know if I'm going to be called ma'am or sir, it feels like every time I open my mouth is a flip of a coin as to how someone else will read it. And I hate that it has such power over me, like it can make or break my day and my confidence, and I feel scared to open my mouth.

I feel similarly to you with this back and forth of accepting myself for all of me, including voice, or trying to actively change it. Voice training feels uncomfortable and like I'm trying to force it, when I just want to speak naturally, expressively. One thing I've noticed just watching myself is that when I'm in a good mood I naturally uplift my tone, like say if I'm having a positive interaction with someone, in a more "heady" sing songy tone, or being fake cordial with people, that is when i sound most feminine.

But when I'm relaxed at home, or if I'm in a more tired mood or "don't give a shit" mood, the tone gets lower and more "from the chest" so, instead of looking at it actively trying to make my voice sound more feminine, I pay attention to demeanor and mood. I don't really have it in me to force my voice to sound different all the time, but just being aware of my mood and the attitude I present myself with has been easier to gauge? If that makes any sense.

Also, give it time to lighten. Time helps , atleast enough to sound like you just have chainsmoked cigarettes or have some kind of vocal damage that can be written off as something else. As a worst case scenario, lol. That's how I try to think of it more now... "vocal chord damage" instead of "masculinized voice" .... the way that you frame things in your mind has so much impact and we can choose to look at things through a different lens.

Anyway idk if that was in any way helpful but I'm here in solidarity and hope you find peace in all of yourself.