TIFU by assuming "one piece" of ex-lax chocolate meant one bar. [NSFW]
I'll try to be as discreet and non-gross as possible
This happened 3 days ago. I was recently prescribed a small amount of painkillers for a corneal abrasion suffered while out jogging on a windy day. If you don't already know, this medication constipates you. I was backed up for about two days, so I went to the local drugstore and purchased some ex-lax chocolate. I had used magnesium citrate in the past. It works well but is disgusting to drink. The chocolate seemed like a nice way to go. One small box of Regular Strength chocolate stimulate laxative, "Gentle Overnight Relief You Can Trust" (I actually had wanted the maximum strength stuff just to be sure. In hindsight THANK GOD they were all out, and I hope the poor souls who purchased all that maximum strength stuff didn't make the same mistake I did).
During the walk home I read the instructions on the back of the box; "Adults 12 years or older take 1-2 pieces." This is where I have a beef with ex-lax packaging. There are two small, individually wrapped small bars of chocolate inside the box. Take 1-2 pieces. There are two pieces in the box. What I failed to realize at the time is on the FRONT of the box it says "24 pieces". Which means each wrapped piece of chocolate actually contains 12 doses of laxative. IT DOES NOT SAY THIS ANYWHERE ON THE BACK OF THE BOX WITH THE ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS. The sons of bitches know what they're doing over there. Probably having a laugh right now over their misleading packaging on their highly volatile product. I figure better be safe than sorry. I ate both bars. (Not bad tasting either. No Hershey's dark chocolate, but not terrible either.)
I fall asleep and forget all about it. The next morning I wake up and it feels like there's a war going on in my stomach. I get not even a quarter of the way through my first cup of coffee and I've gotta go to the bathroom. Sweet relief. I had a very sizable, very swift movement. Pretty normal consistency and all that. I even thought "Man, I was backed up. That chocolate stuff really does the job. Not so 'gentle' as they said but I can't complain."
It feels good to be cleared out and I go about the rest of my day. I go and get some breakfast. Come back to the apartment and do a few quick work things. Change into my gym shorts, grab my gym bag, and head out to the gym. I live in Philly so I'm walking everywhere. My gym is five blocks from my apartment. About two and a half blocks the way there -otherwise known as No Man's Land- I start to feel the urge to go again. I can tell its urgent but not an emergency, we've all been here. I think to myself, "Uh-oh, round 2. Better hurry up and get there." I decide to pick up the pace and about 2 steps later the stakes jump suddenly and drastically. Now I'm thinking "I gotta get there! All I have to do is scan-in and head straight to the locker room." Another half a pace and I freeze: Time to reevaluate the situation. I look back towards my apartment. Then back towards the gym. But I like I said earlier, no man's land. There's a small strip mall across the street. It has a couple food joints in it. I start to move in that direction. I'm thinking "Thanks God, because I gotta go now!"
I have to go badly but I'm not far from the promise land. I'm moving through the parking lot of the strip mall and I even get a little cocky and think to myself, "Man, wouldn't that be crazy if I s*** myself right now, at this age (I'm 29/male by the way). Ha ha."
Put your breakfast away now if you're eating.
I take one more step and there's one last seismic shift in my bowel. It starts to happen. Even though the first bowel movement earlier on was fairly solid, all those doses of ex-lax chocolate had apparently burned right through whatever excrement I had left. Boiling it down to straight liquid, like the xenomorph's acidic blood burning through the decks of the spaceship in 'Alien'. My sphincter is tightened to DEFCON 5, but the watertight doors on the Titanic couldn't hold this flow for more than a few seconds.
My mind goes blank. I can't compute what's happening. I freeze in the middle of the parking lot, staring at the flashing "OPEN" sign of the food store I was trying to make it to. My eyes widen and I take my open right hand and reach behind me as some instinctual last line of defense, as if I could somehow stop whats coming with a touch. I'm wearing a snug pair of boxer briefs under my gym shorts. My hand pressed lightly against the back of my bum, I feel the material start to swell like a giant bubble. All I can think is "I'm s*ing myself, I'm s*ing myself" over and over again.
The bubble grows and grows. This moment is like when you wake up from a dream and you're not quite sure what you're experiencing. I pivot and turn to make a move around the side of the strip mall and bubble bursts. I try to walk around the side of the building without drawing attention to myself. But I glance down and I can see the brown river running down my leg and leaving a trail of large plop marks in my wake. I get behind the building and open my gym bag. Literally the only thing in there is an extra plain white t-shirt. I take it out and wipe down my legs as best I can then chuck it into the bushes. I should've balled it up better because it sort of rests on top and one quick glance at it makes it very clear what happened there.
The back of my gym shorts are completely soaked. And I still have to walk a few blocks back to my apartment. I have to cross at least one main road where people are out getting their coffee and breakfast and what not. I don't know what to do so I carry my gym bag behind my back trying to cover my dripping wet bum as best I can for the walk home. I round the corner and follow my fresh laid trail of tears back across the parking lot so I can double back to my apartment.
I look like an idiot walking this way with both hands behind my back carrying a gym bag. When I pass by cars at a stop sign or red light I try to act like I'm stretching my shoulder or my back. But they look at me. I wonder if any of them figured it out. I get back to my building and thank god no one is coming out as I'm entering. And thank god I live on the first floor and am the first apartment through the door. I make it in and head straight for the bathroom. I'll spare you the rest of the gory details, but it's as you can imagine.
TL;DR: Mistook one piece for one bar. Ate two bars. Favorite workout shorts had to be bagged and tagged.