(This is my second attempt to post this, I think I messed up the first submission, sorry mods).

I'd really appreciate some feedback from people who can identify with anxiety as I'm not in a great place mentally at the moment, and due to my own stupidity I don't have anyone to actually discuss this with right now.

To give some background, I've had anxiety issues for quite a while but I never really identified them as such, I think mostly because I overcompensated so much that my life on the surface seemed pretty normal. The overcompensation came in the form of a very strong will to push forward against all the warning signals my brain and body would send. I learnt to swim by throwing myself in the deep end of the pool for example, where I was either going to literally sink or swim. This is a good metaphor for how I handled my condition at lot of times. I play the guitar but literally get sick at the thought of public performances, so naturally I agreed to co-write an perform a song at my best friend's wedding. For the proceeding months I would have cold sweats about it, and on the day I remember wanting the car I was in to crash on the way to the wedding. Other examples are being scared of driving and so forcing myself to travel to another country, rent a car and drive on foreign roads from the airport, completely alone. My mentality is very much "fuck you <insert activity I'm anxious about>, I decide not you!". Now this in itself is not that bad, to be honest it has added a lot of positivity in my life and a veneer of a "normal life", which actually helps me integrate with other people. It comes at great emotional cost to me but it doesn't really get me intro trouble (well, the driving one was pretty stupid).

However, there is an unhealthy side to this that I think has really gotten me into trouble this time. Towards the end of last year my anxiety issues and other problems I have (I have elements of PTSD and severe depression, mostly arising from being a carer for a bi-polar long-term partner with alcoholism, who was abusive, but was also a victim of rape and I had to testify at her rape trial. Yeah. Imagine giving evidence in front of a court, with the man who hurt the love of your life standing there looking at you, and a defence lawyer trying to trip you up. It's a thread all unto itself). I had a very demanding career, again partly the result of me pushing myself to be comfortable in my boundaries. It involved practically every element of a job that would trigger most people's anxiety triggrs, from dealing with pushy producers, actor contracts, unreasonable deadlines, foreign travel etc. Well, I finally broke and could not carry on doing my job. That's when I was diagnosed with the issues I have, amazingly I had managed decades without ever accepting I even had a problem, despite regularly only getting 5 hours sleep and waking up drenched in sweat wishing to die on an almost daily basis.

Sorry, I veered off there but this is mostly a stream of consciousness post. So what did I do after having to resign my job for my own health? Well, I decided to move to a new country, and become a teacher. I think I really fucked up here guys. The thought of standing in front of a class is making me sick. I'm in a new country away from everything I really knew. It's a new language but that's not really an issue day to day, but the thought of having a job interview in this language is also making me sick. I can't express myself as I need to in this language, and so all my confidence is out of the window. I've been out of work for about 4 months now, I've never been out of work or this long since I started working at around 17. I'm pretty much in complete paralysis at the moment. I can't finish my course because my mind locks out with dread when I try and study (when I can study I actually do well and have passed the exams I've had to take, but this week for example I haven't been able to do anything productive, which stresses me out even more).

I have some friends in this new country, it's where my parents are from. However, nobody here understands my condition, in part because I've not told anyone. My parents know but my dad, with all the love in the world, effectively tells me to cheer up. This doesn't help, obviously. The other day though one of my friends here, who doesn't know my situation, said (paraphrasing) "I think you made a massive mistake moving here. I'm only telling you this because I love you but I can't believe you left your career to come here, there are no opportunities here. You've thrown a good life away". This utterly killed what little confidence I had left. I did have a well paying job, I did have a great life (the veneer of a great life I talked about), but he doesn't understand that it was the cost of my mental health. I think I would have literally killed myself if I carried on there. But I can't tell anyone here that.

So yeah, FUCK! What have I done Reddit?! Why do I do this crazy shit? I've blown through most of my savings, working towards a job that terrifies me, at a time when I'm obviously not well. I'm in complete denial about my problems and actively work against myself for some reason. My parents urge me to stay with them (they live in the town that other close family members are, as well as all my friends) yet here I am, in an apartment in a city away from everyone, deliberately isolating myself and literally turning down every single offer of help. I feel like I jumped in the deep end and this time I'm not going to be swimming back up to the surface.

Sorry, I thought this was going to be a more structured post, it's just rambling, I feel I needed to get it off my chest.