I'm really struggling with this right now. It's not just sex, but physical intimacy in general. I'm with someone I love very much, but sometimes I find myself both terrified and grossed out by the idea of physical intimacy. The feelings have become more pronounced the deeper my emotional intimacy with my partner grows.

I'm having a lot of trouble understanding this because I don't think I was overtly molested by my mother (I was molested as a child by a sibling, though) by my mom had very poor boundaries. I'm a girl, but I feel like my mom treated me like her boyfriend in some ways. Also, I was exposed to sex at a very young age, but didn't understand it.

I'm shaking as I try to type all this stuff out. I've heard the term "emotional incest" before, but just the word "incest" makes me want to vomit. I feel like I've been violated somehow. I used to have dreams about my mom touching me and I'd wake up crying. My partner says that I still whimper in my sleep sometimes. I feel disgusting and like there's something wrong with me. I just feel so deeply ashamed and wrong like the very core of my being is corrupted somehow.

I feel like it's my fault. Like, somehow I'm the one projecting this sexuality on to the relationship with my mom. It makes me want to scrape the skin off my body. My partner has pointed out that my siblings also seem to suffer from the same problems with intimacy, but I can't help but feel like the problem is me. There's something wrong with me.

I didn't intend to type this much, but once I started...I just don't want to feel alone anymore. Like I've got some big secret I have to hide because if people found out what I really am they'd be disgusted by me too. I feel so trapped and burdened by all of this.

Sorry for typing so much. I'll probably end up deleting this once I come to my senses again.