I've been super down lately and it didn't really click why, but I think it did today. I'm sure you are all aware and I'm not alone but I feel pretty inadequate unless I'm pushing to the extreme. So unless I am being awesome in crossfit and running fast and far I feel like I'm never doing enough/good enough. It's not new for my personality, I've been type A forever and this is what got me through school. But it's exhausting. When I first started running in 2017 I was thrilled when I hit 1 mile without dying, and I was SLOW, so slow but I did it.
I was THRILLED last year when I crossed the finish line at my first half marathon, that sense of pride was awesome. And then I just went crazy obsessive. Running all the plans, crossfit went from 2 days a week to 5+. Two a days galore. Etc etc. Lately I feel like if I don't do XX today then I'll fall behind, lose my gains. I will lose the body I have now, etc etc. If I'm not posting new PRs constantly I feel I'm not pushing enough.
And it just hit me today. Why. No one but me cares if I crossfit 2 or 5 times a week. No one cares if I run a 15 min mile or a 5 min mile. I need to stop treating myself like a failure for skipping a workout or not lifting what I think I "should" be. When I don't RX a workout it's OK.
So today has become a rest day, I'm going home to watch TV and eat pizza with the BF because that is what I want to do, not what I have to do.
I want to devote more time back to running (and biking/swimming) because cardio is my happy place, my calm place. I have so many races I want to do well for myself, and honestly I love running, it's what started everything. In order for running to not be a chore/struggle crossfit needs to ease down. I'll still do it, because I do love it, but it doesn't bring the calm running does. It brings nerves, adrenaline, excitement, etc. Maybe after the marathon I'll cycle back and put crossfit as the priority, but it can't be #1 right now.
I want to enjoy running again, I want to cross my finish lines with the pride and excitement I felt last year. The "I can't believe I did that" mentality and not the "holy cow I'm so slow I suck" mentality I have lately. The last thing I want is to feel like I failed at a marathon.