Please don't be to hard on yourself. Brother, in life we all make the best decision we can with the information and understanding we have AT THAT MOMENT. Since we all grow wiser with age it's easy to look back at our younger self and critique our decisions using our older selves wisdom but that's not how life works.

We don't get to look back at our younger selves and treat them as if they had all the wisdom and experience we now have. We don't have that right to say "do something different because years later I'll know better". Be kind to yourself and know that with the knowledge, experience and mindset you had as a younger man you did the best you could with what you had. Be proud that you have grown wise and strong with age and recognize the follies of youth and teach those younger men, teach your sons and daughters so they have the advantage of your new wisdom.

God Bless you brother. I wish you well.