I used a very similar tactic when I lived with my Ndad til I was 17. I just knew that my dad was incorrect. I was not a bad person. I was not lazy or a "user" and I was definitely not going to end up being a heroine addicted prostitute like he always said. So, in a lot of ways I thought I had escaped the damage that a narc causes. It wasn't until my kids were around 2 and 3 years old and I had a true crisis that I started having major flashbacks and panic attacks and started to really see which specific ways my narc dad destroyed me. And it only got worse the older my kids got.
I used to sort of use naivete as a shield. My dad kicked me out of his house and I was finally living with my awesome mom for my senior year of highschool. I exploded with JOY. I was so happy every single day that I was like a little kid again. I was happy to be alive, I was happy to see green grass and red flowers and blue sky and just every. little. thing. made me so incredibly happy. So I sort of became known as a super happy, bubbly, naive, sweet girl. I liked how people treated me when I let that happiness and joy just flow through me. I didn't have a single enemy besides the villain Ndad and I didn't speak to him at all.
But.... but but but.... when it came to romantic relationships...man, people are so goddamn selfish! It blew me away how selfish people can be. I would give and give of myself and expect the same in return but not a single one could match my level of giving. Bitterness started creeping in.
My ex-husband refused to spend one night (out of 5) at the hospital with my 2 year old son so that I could sleep in a real bed and hang out with my 3 year old daughter because "it would hurt his back" and I broke fully. I mean really fully. Other people had done other selfish things and hurt me a little. But for some reason, that one took the cake and it all crashed down on me. My son was nearly dead from severe anemia and I didn't cry. We found out he has a rare disease... didn't cry. They found a TUMOR in my tiny kid and I did not cry...when we got home from the hospital and Japan was hit with the tsunami/earthquake/meltdown disaster... I sobbed openly every day for a week.
I divorced my husband shortly after.
I knew I was going to be alone. That I would be a single mom forever from then on out. Which is better, really, because if you don't have a person who is "supposed" to fill a role that you sort of assume looks and acts a specific way, then you never have to be let down. Just like with the Ndad. No dad was way way better than Ndad. Infinitely better. So... No "other half", no boyfriend or husband, was probably going to be infinitely better than a terrible one, right?
The older I get the more I realize that all of us, no matter the background, have some picture in our head of what a significant other is and does. And all of us have been disappointed at one point or another in our significant other. I still haven't totally figured this out, but I feel like I am on the right track when i say: there is something wrong with all of us. Everyone has some fatal flaw that makes us unsuitable for relationships of one sort or another. Sometimes we like it that way, other times that flaw just rubs a specific person the absolute wrong way... but if we are really honest and open to being flexible on the things that aren't hard and fast deal breakers, we can love a lot of different kinds of people. And we can even let them love us in their way.
Even with the super selfish ex, there were a few rare moments in our decade long relationship where I realized that he loved me. Like really actually. It could have been things like the way he looked at me, or something he said or did that just struck me all at once, not with that super naive puppy love excitement that is really my wall radiating heat and him absorbing it... no... it was something different. If I am really honest, that scared me. And it also ended up not being enough.
As I get older I've been forced to live inside my own wall a bit. I'm in therapy now because my wall didn't work when truly naive children became a part of my life. The extreme joy doesn't come out unless I am in a new group of people I'm forced to interact with, which largely showed me exactly how fake and flimsy that joy wall is. I like myself when I'm that way, but it isn't my true self. I want it to be my true self... but it isn't. Not anymore. I have to really seek out little things to be happy about. It takes a ton of work. And I'm exhausted. I just want to be a good mom and a good girlfriend and good student but I am triggered all the time by things that I never considered part of the damage. I can't pretend to be naive anymore. I know just how bad people can really be and just how deep their selfishness goes. I've met too many selfish people, to the point where I recognize it in myself and I get scared and grossed out and confused. I (the one who made that great wall of joy), I am not selfish. I am not mean. I am not lazy or cruel... or am I? Sometimes? But that's not the narrative I built for myself, that's not who I am... it cannot be in me there's no way... I need that shit out of me right now....
I have a boyfriend. In the most general way I can describe my side of my relationship with him: it is challenging. I have kids, so this doesn't get to be a fling. I have kids so this doesn't get to just fade out. I love him, and I have had the same random moments where I see... he actually truly does love me too... but now I am struggling with my own demons. The ones that built the wall while they were young and naive. But those demons grew up with me and now they are bitter and angry and their craftsmanship was shoddy.
There is no one single person who makes me feel heard or supported. It comes from various people at different times. And never really all at once from everyone. I wish I could be fully supportive of myself. And I realize now that really just one person hearing me helps erase all the other times and other people who have chosen not to hear me. That's my reset button now.
So. I go to therapy. I do things I think a hardworking, kind, happy person would do. I go about my day saying "Don't be lazy" and I change the trash liner. "Don't be lazy" as I drag everyone's laundry to the laundry room. "Don't be bitter." as I sit in class surrounded by people half my age who are totally absolutely "squandering their youth" (hahahahahah) by not taking the class seriously... ugh I used to be so smart..."Don't be mean." when my kids are being kids and I just can't understand what is so hard about listening the first time FFS!!!! sigh
So.... I rambled again. I don't think the feeling ever goes away. I think that instead, you take things as they come. When I divorced my husband I was fully mentally and emotionally prepared to be alone for the rest of my life, and clearly I am not alone. It isn't what I imagined it could/should/would be... but I am not alone. And so the real work comes in figuring out how to be alone and with someone at the same time. Supportive and supported at the same time. All while recognizing that we are all super duper flawed.
Ultimately, if there is a single person who could accept the real me as I am right this second... I don't know that it'd be fair to stick with them. I change so much all the time. The person I am now is vastly different than the person I was a decade ago or even 5 years ago... 3...And I am really hoping the person I am in another 5 years is really different too. I hope that I'm more joyful in 5 years but more grounded, too. Like if that old wall I built became framework instead of a barrier... if that makes sense. I prefer to be happy. Whatever this new bitterness and sadness comes from... I want to squish it. and then throw it away. I don't know how long that will take, though, so for now, i will just keep loving people like I always have and hope that they enjoy that. I totally don't know how to end this rambling nonsense.. so I'm gonna go get some more coffee and ... yeah.... :D