I was very depressed and planned a road trip to California. I took two weeks off of work. Spent three days on a vacation with my girlfriend, then went to visit my brother in the city he lives in. Bought them meals, gifts, had a good time. Borrowed my brothers car and drove south down the coast. I am a big Steinbeck fan so I wanted to visit Salinas and Monterey, south of SF. Took me three days to get down there. I was planning on using charcoal barbeque lit inside the car to suffocate myself. I bought lighter fluid in Washington and some charcoal in Oregon.

I visited the Steinbeck museum in Salinas and walked Cannery Row in Monterey. Ended that night sleeping in my car in the parking lot of a Dunkins Donuts. The next day I spent around San Francisco, seeing some sights. Had a fight with my girlfriend via text because she was upset I hadn't invited her on the trip. I couldn't really give an excuse since the real reason was that I was planning on killing myself.

That final night I bought some cigarettes (I had been quitting) and sat on a bench next to a closed radiology centre. Googled places open late to buy a barbeque from, but realised I'd have to go the next day. Smoked half of the pack while really thinking hard about my death. I had tied up loose ends, made a will, had some vacation days left so I wouldn't abandon them. But I was scared. Trying to stay alive is such a human instinct. Not dying is the most base thing an animal can desire. The more I thought about it and the more I smoked the more terrified I became. What would happen? Would it all go black? Was there a God? Would it hurt? I was in an extreme amount of pain and living was excruciating (anybody who's suffered from depression can relate). Being awake for an entire day was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I had to do it every day. But death was terrifying. I was so scared. When I got to my last cigarette and hours had passed, I was petrified. The decision wasn't dramatic, I just knew I couldn't do it. Drove to Portland the next day and finished my vacation and returned to work, apologised to my girlfriend, shredded the notes I had written, threw away the lighter fluid and charcoal. I am feeling much better now. I spent a lot of money on that trip because I wasn't planning on leaving but I consider that money well spent - it kept me alive. If I had stayed working and living my regular life I might have become more stressed and more depressed and killed myself in a less planned way. The vacation I took in order to kill myself saved my life.