I feel selfish trying to date non-muslims. How do you guys deal with this feeling?

Hm, I'm sure that other people are thinking the same things as I do. There's no way you can't! Or I don't know, I naturally have a very paranoid personality (I have diagnosed OCD) so I sometimes feel I overthink these situations. But after reading through this forum I realized that these conflicting thoughts are pretty universal for anyone doubting religion.

I find what you said about your friends interesting. When I got my first kiss back in December, which was a very sweet experience but unfortunately things didn't work out with the guy, I was very very guarded. Although I knew I wanted that type of intimacy, and to be honest it is the reason I am so "thirsty" now, I couldn't let my guard down as much as I wanted to. The entire time I kept thinking "What will happen when my dad finds out? When my brother finds out?" That guilt still sticks around. Then I had some moments that I think may be similar to your friends. I had a really pusy blister on my finger (sorry gross) and the pain was unbearable. And at one point it hit me, shit this is the pain and torture that I am going to have to endure in hell because I drink occasionally, kissed a boy, and plan on having more intimate relationships in the future. So I did have these moments of moral dilemma even though I know I want to go forth with these relationships.

But now, I think that religious fear is slowly subsiding. It constantly runs through my mind why exactly I will need to label myself as a "ex-muslim" one day. I mean I could easily live as a fake muslim, non practicing (which is what I currently identify as in all honesty). Many muslims do the haraam stuff but still consider themselves muslim as you say. I could do this too but the obvious issue is that I want no constraints on my love life which I will have to come to terms with when my parents start getting interested in finding me a husband. I would live as a fake muslim forever but obviously I can't avoid big things like marriage for long.

There is a lot of stress and bridge burning that come's with claiming to be a ex-muslim but I guess the reason I am leaning towards it is because of that cognitive dissonance you mentioned. Besides, I used to repent a whole lot growing up for things like masturbating. I would ask allah for forgiveness but then I would pick up the habit again soon enough. And then I would do a quick dua later on saying I promise I won't do it again. What's the point in doing that if I know I am lying and making fake promises to god. I obviously don't pay him respect, which is probably what makes me the worst muslim imaginable.

I guess I could be like your friends if I wanted to but I don't have the mental power to start repenting to god and fear about the various punishments I will receive for my actions. People have told me that I can pick and choose how to practice islam, live how you want to but I don't know if I can do that. I still need to learn a lot about myself though regarding all of this.

Sorry this ended up being super long.

/r/exmuslim Thread Parent