My question is...what the fuck am I doing?

Good advice for you in this thread. I will add my own thoughts for you as well.

First, I work to improve myself with working out, eating healthy, and trying to always look nice. This is for me -- not her -- because I am just being the man I want to be. I never mention any of my self improvement activities to her. I just let her notice the results.

Second, I keep an eye on my dread game. No intention to leave my wife, but I have found a good level where she's not running scared but definitely competing to show she wants to keep me. I can make conversation with a brick wall, so I chat people up when we are out and about. Between my improving physique and easy ability to talk to people, she knows that if she threatened to leave, I would just move on easily. Side note: I don't think she considers the emotional toll it would take on me. She just notices the practical things: I am attractive, confident, and able to speak with new women very easily.

Reading your story and your comments here, I almost wonder if you are treating her like a child or with a lack of respect. From what I am reading and interpreting, it sounds like you are holding her to some standard and really pissed and getting on to her when she doesn't live up to it. That's a relationship killer even if you fix the above items. This should be your number 1 focus while you improve the other areas.

Sometimes my wife drives me crazy. In these moments, I don't feel angry with her. Instead I view her as a child acting out. Sometimes I just give her a look without saying a word and she gets herself back in line. Sometimes if she's really pissed me off (which I admit is very rare) I will just realize my emotional reaction is mine to control and just tell her "I'm not even going to say anything" and then just do my own thing.

Because I have the first two items in my post on point, I give her the space to get her shit together. And she does. I think she really likes that I have strong boundaries. And I think that she responds very well to me not telling her she has to comply with them as I chastise her or pick her apart.

I just don't give her much time or affection while she behaves that way. And I am quick to be affectionate as soon as I see she has stepped back in line. She craves the affection so she always comes back around.

This subtle control is such much more effective than verbalizing my displeasure ever was. (Trust me, I grew out of that in past relationships the slow, dumb, hard way.) I am more peaceful, and I have not filled her mind with hateful words to quote or repeat in her head to use against me.

One final point: I NEVER discuss with her any of the above. I just let it happen. I decide how I want to be treated and I reward the good with affection and punish the bad by withdrawing a bit.

Maybe some of this will be helpful to you as you consider your strategy for improvement.