You're right. About everything. It was selfish and I hurt you. But you're wrong when you say I don't care.

This isn't an excuse, but we've always been honest with each other, so I just want to say my part. My biggest weakness as a person is I want everyone to be happy, to like me. I let people walk all over me, use me, because I feel like if I didn't I wouldn't have anyone. That I'm only as good as what I can offer people. It's always been that way, you know it has. I took care of Aaron, letting him force me to sell my own shit just to pay his rent. Then I took care of my brother, paying his bills, defending him, providing support for him. All the while I was very depressed. And it sucks being depressed when you're trying to take care of someone who is depressed. And he treated you and Dook and Pickle so poorly and I couldn't do anything about it and I felt like shit all the time.

You say you got the apartment for me but I felt like I was there for you. If I had left, you and pickle would have had to live in different places and I know how much you like living with her. I didn't want to be the reason the group split up so I stayed. I put the utilities in my name because you wanted me to, you don't like dealing with it so I did.

But I felt awful. I hated my job, I was living in the same area where I was robbed, I started feeling anxious all the time. When the new job called I took it because I needed something to change for the better. But because I need everyone to be happy I made a promise that I shouldn't have. Paying rent for a whole year for a place I'm not living is crazy but I said it, because I was nervous, because I was scared, because I wanted to have both what was best for me and what was best for you. Because I couldn't take the risk of losing you as a friend. And I tried talking to you about all this but I couldn't find the nerve. Before we moved I mentioned i might take the job and you shut me down. After i moved out i said we should talk about the fiance situation and you shut me down. And I know why you did it but I really felt like I just couldn't talk to you.

An old feeling started to build up again. I took care of Aaron, then my brother, and now it felt like I was trapped in providing for you. I panicked. When you told me that the people you wanted to move in weren't available I knew I was gonna be paying you for the entire year, and I know I said I would but deep down I kinda thought you'd find someone after a month, or two, or three. I didn't think you'd really be okay with me paying all that time.

I know you said you wanted me to stop saying it but I'm sorry. Im so fucking sorry. Im sorry to each of you. But I've been taking care of people for 5 years and I just needed an out. I'm not asking for forgiveness but... I care. I paid rent these last few months because I care, I came and grabbed my stuff early because I care. I wanted so bad to walk out the other side of this with as little harm done as possible but it's a shitty situation. You were the best friend I ever had, I fought for this friendship for a long time, and I'm sorry that I choose myself over you, but I was in a bad place and I needed to do something.

I just needed to say that.