I have weird feelings about Alice Glass, if you know who that is.

I often refer to it as a crush, but it's not. I don't care to even meet her. But the thing is, she makes me feel like someone punched me in the sternum. I try to avoid anything to do with her -- I haven't followed her since 2014-ish -- because anything Alice Glass that comes my way gives me that feeling, with varying levels of intensity. If I listen to Suffocation, the most beautiful song ever, it doesn't bother me that much; if Stillbirth comes up in my Spotify recommendations, it bothers me for a few hours; if I were to read her Wikipedia article, I'd probably be upset for days.

But at the same time...my handle is a reference to her. I want to look like her (I'm trans), and she's a huge inspiration for me: when I think about her it makes me want to try harder, because I'm almost the same age as her and there's such a huge gap between us, and it makes me feel sad.

I am very stunted emotionally. I hope maybe someday soon I'll be able to get over this. Not Alice Glass, but the immaturity of my admiration for her. I'd love to be able to finally listen to Crystal Castles' third album, her single, and maybe even HEALTH.