I felt like you. Not totally the same. I had and have severe mood swings and at one moment I could not put up with the down-side of those mood swings anymore (after enduring them for 13 years; 14 to 27). I was scared for the highs that got me in trouble and I was scared for the lows afterwards. I tried to commit suicide but failed. I still have mood swings and alcoholism. I just had a very bad week, despite counseling, deeper insight into what was happening to me and with medication. It is still not sunshine and roses and I bet it never will, but somehow my attitude about 'is this worth living for' changed. Or maybe that is not it and it is more the thought of 'is this worth committing suicide for' changed for me. I understand people who do it and I don't blame them at all, but it is the most hurting, devastating, confusing, thing that you can do to your friends, family and other loved ones. People will blame themselves for it. Get sad, and anxious and angry. And at the moment you’ll do it and during the moments of planning beforehand etc that does not matter, because you just want ‘out’. So I made a deal with myself: I am NEVER going to do this again, unless I do it absolutely right. And with ‘right’ I mean, that I want to be sure that I have tried every possible option and therapy and medication and if that does not work, apply for euthanasia (which is very very difficult, but possible in my country). So that my family and friends and other loved ones have the change to be with me in my final hours (if they want to) and can ask the questions they want. I don’t know if I have really answered your question. I wanted to tell you my experience with this.