I told her she could kiss other places, and she got confused. I had to literally spell out for her where to kiss me.
It's great that she let you know she needed clarification! That's a good sign.
She wouldnt get on top of me and between my legs, despite me asking her to several times.
It sounds like she already had her head positioned on top of you to do the kissing, and you're asking her to put her head on top of you again? This is not making sense. Why you would ask again if she's already got her head on top of you, presumably somewhere between your legs, just like you asked for.
She would just say "I already am" as she leaned from the side to kiss me where I told her to.
That sounds good. She's got her head on top of you, she's kissing you where you asked to be kissed.
Needless to say, it's doing nothing for me.
Then why did you ask for it?
She seems annoyed
I would be annoyed too if you asked me for something and then I tried to give it to you and then you asked me again when I was already giving it to you... What exactly is your strategy here? If you wanted it to piss her off, I can't imagine a more effective way? But I suspect that's not what you were looking for, even though that's what you were asking for.
I just want her to want to pleasure me.
Check! It's quite obvious from the fact that she is kissing you where you asked to be kissed that she wants to pleasure you so that part is taking care of. What's next?
She gave up on it and stopped with a "sorry" after maybe 2 minutes of kissing me.
Makes perfect sense. She did what you asked and then you asked again, which implies that she wasn't doing what you asked for... Were you expecting her to hear what you asked for and then do what you wanted instead? Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, which is why clear and direct communication is an essential skill.
I want her to want to experiment on my body. I want her to explore me and look on her own for what makes me tick.
Are you sure that's what you want? Because criticizing her attempts to please you is a way to express that you don't want her to explore you and don't want her to experiment to see what makes you tick. If you criticize her efforts then she's much more likely to just stop exploring and get pissed off instead.
But she can't even take the simple introductory course on kissing down my stomach without getting upset.
Sounds like it's not the introductory course, but the criticism that's making her upset. And rightly so.
I tried to talk with her about it, and offered to show her what I wanted on her. She simply said that "it's sad I can't turn you on anymore."
I hate to say it, but it sounds like she may be sexually inexperienced. She certainly never read “Sexual Intelligence" or "Love Worth Making" or she'd know that your arousal is mostly in your control, not hers. She can't be taking responsibility for your arousal or sex just doesn't work very well.
I don't know how to respond to that.
Respond with empathy and sexual intelligence. Let her know that you're not a sexual noob and you don't expect her to turn you on. Just tell her to take care of her own arousal, and in doing so you'll both be getting aroused together. That's part of what makes sex so awesome is that each of you taking care of your own arousal makes great sex possible!
She just fucks me. If I'm wet, yippee! If I'm not, whatever.
That's not cool. She's got to wait until you're not only wet, but fully engorged as well. Again, this sounds like a complete lack of understanding of how sex works.
That 50/50 chance isn't her turning me on at all, its random chance.
Wait a minute. Why are you leaving it up to chance whether you're aroused or not. Were you never taught how to take control of your own arousal? If that's the case then a book like "Come As You Are" will be really helpful. Surely you don't want to suck the life out of your sex life by expecting your partner to be doing your work for you. Not only that, but if you're not taking control of your own arousal, then it's damn near impossible to show her how to help you out.
She says she wants me to tell her. I TRY TO. SHE DOESN'T LISTEN.
Are you using an assertive communication style when you tell her? Is it primarily focused on your feelings in needs? If not then there's absolutely no way she'll figure out from it what you actually want, especially if it's like above where you're asking for one thing but wanting her to do another.
It's beyond frustrating and ends up with me feeling worthless and her feeling annoyed.
Without using an assertive communication style or at least something similar to the one described in “Messages" that's pretty much the expected result. Again, that's why clear and direct whole message. Communication is so important if you want to have a relationship with somebody else.
I get that she's low on experience, but has she seriously never watched a video on how to eat someone out or turn them on?
I'm tired of putting my sexual needs on the backburner, and she already seems annoyed with having 3 minutes of guided foreplay.
That sounds horrible. "3 Minutes of Guided Foreplay“. It's horrible for both of you. It sounds like a school project. Not something you do with someone you love.
I don't know what to do. Advice appreciated, but please don't default to the "break up" comments. She is amazing outside of this issue.
I would start with checking out some resources on sexual education that you might have missed out on at some point in your life. It sounds like you're holding her responsible for your lack of arousal, which is going to wreck sex for both of you. And it sounds like you're thinking she doesn't want to please you when from what you've described you're making it absolutely impossible for her to do so. She's clearly demonstrating that she wants to, But it sounds like you're giving her useless, ambiguous instructions and then repeating the multiple times.
Maybe check out “Love Worth Making".
TL;DR: My girlfriend gets annoyed when I give her instructions on foreplay, which she literally asked me to do.
What you describe above is not instructions, it's criticism. They're very different things and if you're thinking that what you describe above her instructions, then trying to have a healthy sex life as a non-starter.
She refuses outside resources on how to please me, and seems to be stuck because she knows she gets sex without work.
Only one of you needs to be sexually knowledgeable to have a great sex life. The other one will pick up on it as you go along. But it does sound like she somewhat sexually ignorant of how things work, or she'd be pushing back harder on you when you try to blame her for your lack of arousal, and it sounds like she may be blaming herself as well. So don't take it personal when she gets annoyed and upset. If you're wondering how a lack of sexual knowledge can make her feel that way, most likely a combination of feeling inadequate and incompetent of loving you the way you want to be loved, then the book “The Sexual Healing Journey" is probably a good place to start.
But if you're just wondering why she gets annoyed when you criticize her attempts, then check out any of the John gottman books and they will also let you know why she has that reaction and what you can do to change it if you want to.
In any case, it does sound like you two have something good going except for the sex part. Hopefully once you both get a little more up to speed on how to make that work better then you can have a long and happy relationship together and lots of passionate and magnificent sex.
Good luck!