I'm a guy, but I turned down the girl, and I regret it so much.

It all started when I left for college, it was a college where the majority of my high school decided to go so it was pretty much high school plus. I was in the same building as my friend's crazy ex, at least that's how I saw her at the time. Anyways I was still "friendly," with her and so me and my roommate, also a friend from high school, went out to party with her and her roommate the first night of college. We ended up getting drunk and confessing to each other our mental illnesses somehow, I'm not going into detail but it was incredibly obvious she wanted to hook up but I pretended to play dumb, not ready to betray my friend just yet. I wasn't even sure of these feelings that were starting to stir, I wasn't going to fuck up a friendship for that.

But then came the moment. The moment where I fell in love with her. It was so simple. She came over we ended up smoking some weed and watching funny videos on YouTube, innocent enough. But then I showed her the video of twin babies talking to each other, she laughed so hard, and all I can remember is how beautiful her laughter sounded to me, my roommate was getting nervous because it was so loud the floor could probably hear it, but I was entranced.

Eventually a couple weeks later I ended up kissing her, but felt so guilty after, I confessed to my friend and told her it was a mistake. I guess she got tired of me not making a move after that, and one night I walked in on her and my roommate. I was in no place to be mad at her, after all we were nothing, but I was pissed at my roommate, who I had trusted.

Things ran their course, and they stopped, probably out of my sake. And she would get drunk on weekends, come up to my dorm dressed in very little and pretty obviously try and hook up with me, I refused every time, out of hurt, guilt, or whatever, I can't even remember. But eventually her and her ex, my friend, started patching things up, and for some reason I had to go all white knight and help them get back together.

Then one night after we had all partied together, I guess she sent her boyfriend back to his dorm across campus, she ended up in my dorm, this time both of us drunk. She pulled out the song I had written for her secretly that she had somehow found, and, it almost happened. I was pretending to be mad and took my laptop from her, (the song was on my laptop), pinned her arm to the bed, and I was on top of her, and I was looking her in the eyes, and I wanted to and she wanted to, but I got off said nothing and she left soon after.

She came back in an hour or so sobered up a little and in sweats. We hung out like nothing happened, like we when were friends before any of the drama started happening, sitting in bed, talking about and finding new music, because after that night, we knew it wouldn't be the same.

And it never was, we stopped talking and I stopped hanging out with my friend. I guess she told him about all of it. He wasn't mad, as he really is a good guy, and can be very understanding, but it wouldn't be the same between us either.

I regret that night, because I thought I was choosing loyalty and friendship over love. But in the end I was choosing loneliness and depression over happiness. I'm all better now, but I'm not the same guy as I was. If I could go back I would have kissed her on that bed, my life would have turned out a lot different.