I've been trying to be kinder to myself by losing weight, taking care of and treating myself to things, and picking up some hobbies since the break up but sometimes there's moments like these where I have a gut feeling that I shouldn't try to reach out to her yet I almost always failed and end up hating myself for it.

I really wanted things to work with this girl, I got too comfortable and slipped up too many times and now I'm the one begging on my knees for almost 5 months now. I hate myself for that too, begging for someone back that I acted like I didn't care about for so long, it makes me look like such a sad joke. But you're right, growth is something to experience, not necessarily something you commit yourself to in most cases.

I wish I could go back to the first few weeks after we cut contact when I resented her for leaving me, it made things easier. Now that I've realized it was actually me the whole time, it's so much harder. Ignorance really is bliss.