What I'm saying, believe it or not, is a calmer version of what she feels. I think that answers the first two.
Her PhD program normally takes 6 years to complete. They want/wanted at least two kids and she doesn't want to take 2 years off. The pregnancy is already beginning to take its tole on her pregression and if she doesn't fight for her equal right to not have to sacrifice her career more than his, it's going to take 10 years. Its a fairness thing. She will already be doing 3 times the child care, and the premise of their relationship, and for her agreeing to get pregnant, is that the woman is not automatically expected to be the nanny/maid/cook. From the beginning of their relationship, everything has been 50/50. Childcare and housework require opposable thumbs, not a vagina. If you feel that the mother should naturally sacrifice their career more than the father, let's not argue about this point. The point is that they were both fine with this arrangement until monster in law stepped in.
Both her and my parents are either surprised or downright appalled (her dad and my mom) by how much MIL is acting like an old school mother in law that thinks the daughter married INTO her family. She criticizes her constantly, like our "Asian" parents did to us as children. Except the changes are in her son's interest. She doesn't give kindly suggestions. She tells her every other day to quit her phd and guilts her in this gross, manipulative way that's hard to discribe. Let me give some examples of what kind of person this is:
When my friend was 20 and dating her husband in college, MIL set up a "career" meeting with a colleague of hers to talk about her wish to do a PhD. The guy basically told her women don't do well in that field and that my friend had no idea what she was talking about and should do something else when she explained her motivation for graduate school. MIL followed this lunch with a phone convo about women who did PhD and then wanted tenure and ended up not being able to have kids. It upset her so much then, but now in light of MIL's behavior, and finding out that the colleague was a very close friend while she had pretended otherwise, we realize it was a set up to be a one-two punch to get her to not do the PHD and out-qualify her son. She deduced that last part because MIL tells her son to stop working and get a PhD so his wife doesn't outrank him.
She will be polite/passive agreesive but still sternly reprimanding one minute, and when someone else enters the room turn into this almost crying, I'm so hurt but I'll be a gentle grandma-to-be to my son's precious pregnant wife. My friend called her dad on speaker phone at Thanksgiving to hear MIL giving orders and have him walk into the room phone in hand, and MIL is sweet and smiling and telling my friend to drink more of her stew brewed special for her condition. That's why he's appalled now. But he says the only solution is, my poor baby girl, to put up with it because at the end of the day she "means well". He doesn't understand how devastating manipulative women/people can be.
To quote my friend "it's like having a poisonous snake in my family, but everyone thinks she's a cute puppy."
My friend wants to cut MIL out of her life, but THAT would really put her husband in the crosshairs. She is "Chinese" enough to know what a big deal grandchildren are to MIL, and her mom is in bad shape and might not be around much longer (yeah she's dealing with that, too) so they did want the help (not baby sitting) and guidance.