EDIT: after spending months trying like hell to be clever, insightful, helpful and funny, and all those other good things... my top comment and only GOLD (thank you, whoever you are) comes from a fucking pedophile joke.
Reddit, I love you, but I don't think I'll ever understand you.
But I still love you.
2nd EDIT: The joke predates reddit itself, and if there's one thing you should understand about comedy, it's two things:
Every joke is an old joke.
Timing is everything.
3rd EDIT: I'm just going to keep making edits because it seems to piss soooo many of you off.
Go on. Downvote this comment down to zero karma, if it makes you feel better. No fucks are given.
4th EDIT: The only thing you can't go out and buy if you don't already have some are shoes. Because they won't let you in the store. Am I right?
5th EDIT: Since a machine by definition is an arrangement of parts that perform work, there is no such thing as a broken machine.
6th EDIT: Hodor hodor hodor hodor.
7th EDIT: When I was 11 I found my moms dildo, and the thing was just... it was massive. I looked at it, and I looked at my stupid tiny 11 year old dick. I was like, god damn, I'm not even trying to fuck my mom and I'm already out of the race.
8th EDIT: You ever take a shit so gnarly that you just sit there blowing air down between your legs to keep the stench from wafting up into your face?
9th EDIT: Hmmm, someone left a beer in the freezer and it exploded. Think I'll let this thing thaw out and enjoy me one flat yet free brew before calling it a night.
10th EDIT: Come on, guys, only 2,372 more downvotes before you start getting to neg my worthless internet points!!
11th EDIT: Should I put the beer in the microwave? Shits taking forever.
12th EDIT: I am absolutely thriving on the shit showing up in my inbox. Keep the hate coming. If you vote me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
13th EDIT: 15 more downvotes... Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.
14th EDIT: I microwaved the beer. When I microwave stuff, I always go for increments of time like 33 seconds or 55 seconds because I feel like I save time by pressing the same button twice instead of switching to a new number for the second one.
15th EDIT: Oh yeah, that beer is flat. Flat flat.
16th EDIT: Now I'm smashing scissors in and out of the bottle to break up the rest of the beer ice.
17th EDIT: The scissors aren't long enough, so I cut up a plastic coat hanger to harvest that sweet sweet long part.
18th EDIT: Not even joking
19th EDIT: Holy shit! just got 5 nose hairs in one pull you guys.
20th EDIT: Ok so this phone I'm trying to fix is being a dick... display is all wonky, but it's not the display or the cable, pretty sure it's whatever the equivalent of a gpu is on a shitty flip phone. Going to bake this thing (well not the whole phone, just the main board) for like 9 minutes @ 390F. Popping it in the freezer made the problem worse (that's how I discovered the beer) so I'm thinking it needs a little reflow soldering action.
21st EDIT: Testing out the phone... shitsnacks. Worked for like 30 seconds...
22nd EDIT: Steven Hawking always plays himself on tv because for some reason it would be fucked up for someone else to play him.
23rd EDIT: In france they call orgasms 'la petite mort' which translates to 'the little death', I'm pro choice but god damn that's presumptuous.
24th EDIT: After I died, I was surprised as... heck to find myself in front of some pearly gates protruding stereotypically from a vast expanse of clouds, and sure enough there was an old guy there, Saint Peter I guess, flipping through the pages of some massive tome as I floated, bewildered and incredulous, towards him.
As the obvious thought ran through my head, without looking up from the book the old man, apparently reading my thoughts, said, "No, you aren't dreaming."
Panic swept over me. If THIS was happening, then maybe all the other supposedly crazy nonsense was real too!
As I was suddenly remembering all the technically sinful things I'd done, the old guy spoke up again.
"Yes, yes, we're getting to that. Sit down."
Sure enough there was now a chair behind me, and it wasn't so much that I sat, but that I was seated.
"Ok, Nutbastard, I'm going to make this quick. In your life you committed almost every forbidden sexual act, drank often and sometimes to the point of stupor, took the Lords name in vain on countless occasions, mocked the word of God, fraternized with homosexuals, ingested psychedelic drugs... I'm not even going to continue."
I sat there stunned but not surprised - of course he knew all of these things about me, why wouldn't he? But he sounded so angry, and I wondered -
"You're wondering what's going to happen to you, of course. In five words: You are going to Hell."
My heart sank. It was true, all the crazy things the church people said were true, and now it has come to this.
I felt a lump in my throat as despair washed over me, the ultimate despair that only the eternally damned can feel.
My eyes watered and the breath came out of my lungs as my eyes glazed into a thousand yard stare and the first rising wave of a sob built in my throat. I inhaled to fuel the deepest wail of my existence, my nose already runny with fear, and just before I erupted into a sniveling tower of pathetic anguish, the old man said, "Ahhhh I'm just fucking with you, you shit nozzle," as he handed me a beer, "everyone you love is here and immortal and all that shit - your dogs too - so go on you pussy, off with you!"
I could see over my shoulder that he was laughing and slapping his knee as I walked away.
"Oh Jesus, that shit never gets old!"
And Jesus said, "Peter that's been old for quite a while. I've told you like a billion times."
25th EDIT: That's it, I'm out, done. Remember to downvote because you dislike the manner in which I gave thanks for the gold and the votes and stuff!
