Way too much, and I'll hate that Ntrash for it till my dying breath.

I unfortunately behave like my father (the narcissistic abuser) when i don't get what i think i deserve or when i feel provoked. It's not that I lash out out of nowhere, but it's that my reaction is (/used to be) always out of proportion. At the beginning it was absolutely awful. My boyfriend wasn't the best, but he didn't deserve the backlash i gave him. I had extremely low self-esteem and thought that he's always out there cheating on me, i was paranoid that he has a hidden agenda cause i couldn't fathom how anyone would love someone like me, and i always felt like I'm just a burden and he's annoyed by me. However I felt completely entitled to every aspect of him, thinking that if he wants to be alone/play games/work/study/visit family/visit friends/go to the store or just do anything without me, that means he doesn't love me. We argued like several times a week, which always resulted in my mental aggressive mental breakdown. I always felt sorry afterwards and would break down crying and apologizing for my behavior, but that honestly didn't matter as i couldn't change. That went on for a year Over the time the relationship got really spiteful and i absolutely hated my boyfriend. I didn't feel sorry for anything. I was thinking "he hurt me, so he deserves to suffer" and I wouldn't feel a sliver of sympathy for him. I stayed purely out of spite, because i couldn't get it over me that someone could hurt me and then just leave unscathed. I would simply take out my anger on him and insult him for no reason which he'd eventually start doing as well. This went on for another year Afterwards i started turning lethargic and just gave up, arguments still went on but it was mostly ignoring each other for a whole day and an occasional name calling here and then. At that point I had realized I'm the bitch and I'm the problem, that my demands were absolutely unjustified and I felt like a disgusting abomination for abusing him the way my father abused me, but it was too late, as nothing could take away the damage I had done to him. I turned him into the worst version of himself. It was a loveless relationship, but we still couldn't gather the strength to break up, as we still hoped we could love each other as we used to. The turning point was one day when my boyfriend got my Instagram account banned. I know it sounds pretty random and anticlimactic but that was the point he turned complete 180° as he decided this is not who he wants to be. After years we're finally doing well together, and I'm grateful for him every single day. I finally started feeling empathy towards him, i respect him and his needs and love him more and more every day and i always let him know that. I still feel absolutely awful for not seeing how much of an actual sweetheart he is, because I projected all my debilitating self-hatred onto him and convinced myself he's my enemy. Without him, I'd either end up in jail for a violent assault or kms. We still argue from time to time but it's nowhere so terrible and I'm doing my best.