Okay. So. Long story here, but I guess I'll share with you in hopes that you don't feel so alone.
Since 2012 I've lived with this awful ideal I placed upon myself that I had to be perfect. In 2012, I went through some awful shit. My mother got diagnosed with early on set alzheimer's and on top of that I went though alot of personal stuff. 2012 was the year I graduated and I graduated with a high average, scholarship into the program and school of my dreams, very popular in school, and I started seeing my best friend at the time who I've had feelings for for forever it felt like. My so called "best friend" who I was dating, I found out was lying to me, lying about me, spreading awful rumors about me, manipulated me and basically made me out to be this crazy bitch to the girl who he was sleeping with the whole time he was trying to make things work with me, worst part : She's someone who I can't even look at pictures of to this day without losing my appetite. She would comment vicious things on my photo along with her family and send me horrible messages on every platform, hack into his accounts and delete me(who knows if this is true) and leave awful voicemails and text messages on the weekly. I was so miserable and my self esteem took a whole new low. I was being called "fat" "ugly" a "slut" every night, and this is who he wanted to be with instead of me. So, I failed all my courses in school because I didn't prioritize my time and lost my academic scholarship I worked for years for. I lost alot of my friends because they had no sympathy for me, They were sick of me always forgiving him. I was scared of sharing my worries with my family, they had other shit on their brains to worry about. I also would call into sick everyday at work because I was so miserable and didn't want to get out of bed, that my promotion was threatened away from me.
Yup. I hit an all time low. After this, I blamed everything upon myself. I blamed myself for all my problems and blamed "What if I was prettier?" "What if I was smarter?" "What if I wasn't funny enough?" I became this insecure person who was obsessed with succeeding. In 2013, I dropped out of school, became attached to alcohol, obsessed with going out, and obsessed with male attention. I would talk to loads of guys at a time but before anything ever went anywhere, I would run away because I was so scared they would lie to me or lie about me. (This is all me and I'm really sorry to any guy I've ever hurt.) I also gained an eating disorder because every night before bed, I would think of all the comments "fat" "ugly" as I looked at myself and had the worst relationship with food. I felt lonely and was scared to ever talk about my feelings with anyone in fear of losing my friends.
I'm going to tell you right now, it's May of 2015 and things have gotten better. Only because I hit an all time low. One day it just clicked it was all me. it was being feeling lonely, me feeling fear of everyone, and me holding back on who I really am. You have to realize we all have different ideas on perfect, and no one will ever truly be perfect. We have to realize that everyone has self esteem issues and we all have things we are afraid to admit. My best advice is to tackle things indivdually. I'll tell you how I did it and I will give you some pointers for yourself. 1. I stopped blaming myself for everything bad that happened to me and I realized I needed to stop saying "why me" and "What now" instead.
My education : I'm in the middle of retaking 3 of my courses so I can get a scholarship again to a new program at a new school, on top of taking online courses and I've won a educational grant from the government. It's hard taking 6 courses at once right now but hey, that's what I get for dropping out. I know it'll be worth it in the end.
My self esteem. I looked what the words they called me, and why they haunted me and how badly they affected how I viewed myself. I took each word and just used it as inspiration. I lost 35 pounds and 6 dress sizes, Did a bodybuilding bikini show, and started eating healthier and running half marathons. So yeah, thanks for giving me the push I always wanted.
My view on men. I realized one bad egg isn't worth pushing everyone away in life. I mean it still hurts, and it always will but I realize some people are evil and there's nothing I can do about that except to live my life without them. I'm still slowly learning to accept compliments and sincere words from the new man I'm with.
My job, I'm working full time hours because a scholarship isn't guaranteed and I like to always be safe because I now know, I never know what's going to happen that might disrupt my life.
My friends. I now surround myself with an amazing close knit group of friends I have no filter with. They make me so happy and appreciated and loved everyday. Okay neverknow890. You will NEVER KNOW what your truly capable of and how whatever you envision may come true at any point. Pefection is an extremely hard thing to strive for and I'm going to tell you to take things step by step. Sell your bike if it makes you feel guilty/ or use it recreationally. Go to the gym (Send me a PM) and I'd love to send you a free meal plan/workout plan towards your goals and whatever fits your time frame. Take the chance, You never know where you'll find home or true love in.. Maybe a new country is the right push you need in the start of your new life.
I finally got over it when I realized this is what I have to work with, and whatever I don't have yet I will work my ass off to be able to work with it.