How did your depression start?

When I was about 5 years old. My parents divorced and my mother let her anger vent on me. Constant screaming, beating, gaslighting, manipulating to make my father look bad and evil. At about 7 I started to get anxiety about dying and had nightmares. My mother preferred to go on parties and leave me at home alone. I often had a bleeding nose and was scared for my life. Often alone in a new house.

Til I was 12 years old my mother forced medication on me for ADHD kids, destroyed my self-esteem and made my life hell. I sometimes had no food or was screamed at and beaten for not delivering A+ grades. Child support money from my dad was spend on cigarettes and clothes for my mom.

With 12 I could move to my father's house, as my mother had a extrem rage attack and beat me heavily, but at this point my childhood was already ruined. I became very shut in and it took many months til I started to eat properly and gain some weight. My dad tried his best but since he's also a narcissistic person he never showed much love towards me. He himself is depressed since many years and it didn't help to get back on track. My social skills suffered a lot as I was always bullied at school for being more mature or smarter than the kids at my age. I had to grow up fast after all.

It got worse over the following years til I made a clear plan how I would want to kill myself when I turned 25 years old. I struggled to finish my studies and was incredibly scared to now have to work 40 hours a week til the end of my life.

Yeah and here I am now, no longer planning to kill myself as a short therapy showed me how to handle my issues. I've always been a fighter type of person, so for me I went 1000% into recovering. I told myself, I either manage to get over my past or I simply die. There was no plan B.

Now I'm on my way to recover. I'm still very lonely but at least I got decently fit through workout and my depression waves habe become flatter, sadly not shorter. Usually I'm depressed for months on end. Last wave lasted about a year. But since a few weeks it's improving.

Thanks for reading.

/r/AskReddit Thread