No one will find you to be an embarrassment if you couldn’t kill yourself. Thats fucked to even think about. Clear your mind of thoughts like that and sit down with your brothers and talk about your issues. I’m sure they are dealing with their own problems, and a sharing moment like that might help you move in the right direction.

As for how to move forward, seek professional help (even tho you say you are seeing one atm) and maybe even pick up a personal trainer. All your posts talk about your physical appearance, and that you haven’t been seeing the gains you want to see in the past 8 months. Getting a personal trainer will get you on the correct diet and workouts that will get you the body you want.