I planned to be pretty drunk when it happened and we agreed hours before any drinking how it'd go down. But as the relationship progressed, I just realized I was using alcohol to cope with a person I basically didn't like, yet fucked anyways because we were old friends. This led to actual rape later on when it happened without us negotiating/discussing and I was intoxicated/sedated.
Now I have a loving partner. I have taken ownership of that past, trust my partner deeply, but also desperately have wished for them to fuck me while I'm unconscious or heavily sedated. Taking a LOT of CBD/THC in one sitting got us pretty close to that and I'd love to give it a try again really. I can't do violent leaning CNC.