If he is an abuser (which it sounds like he is to me!), its only going to get worse. He will escalate, especially if he feels like you won't leave.
It seems like in how I am writing this that it escalated quickly, but it was a slow process over 7 years. A slow erosion of who I was and all of my independence. I'm writing all of these seemingly unimportant and random tidbits because this is where the destruction starts and you may not recognize how bad this is until you sum up all of the small and insignificant parts to see the great whole of a truly evil act.
The slow chipping away of you, until you lose that small voice that tells you that you need to run away from this person.
Mine had started out with emotional abuse. Jokes at my expense in public only. Constantly running me down in private. Making me doubt myself and everything I ever wanted to do. Raging when I didn't do what he wanted. Testing my boundaries by inappropriate touching in public after I said it embarrassed me and I didnt like it. Pushing me for sex after I wasn't interested. Volunteering me to do work without asking me. Having me do all of the cooking, grocery shopping, budgeting, housework and house maintainance while working I was 50 hours a week and he was working 35.
With all of this going on, I got sick and the doctors couldn't figure out why. I lost over 50 pounds in 3 months because I couldn't eat or keep anything in my system. Now I recognize the signs of heavy metal poisoning (white veins in the nails, hairloss, major stomach cramps/extreme abdominal pain, muscle cramping, vertigo, headaches, later jaundice and liver issues, I'm ok now thank god).
I left my lucrative job because it got to the point I couldnt be away from the bathroom, and I had no energy because I hadn't been able to keep doawn food for 3 months. I became reliant on him completely. The abuse became so much worse. It went from fighting over small stupid things, and breaking of my possessions to him buying a laser sighted gun and point it at me "as a joke". He broke his hand by punching a wall in one of his rages and had me lie to the doctors about how got broken (That he "Tripped" while carrying in groceries). I was cut off from my friends and support system. Then it all culminated when he raped me and forced me to comfort him because he was distressed by my unresponsiveness.
Why didn’t I report it? I had no proof and I just wanted out. I said I was going to get a divorce. He didn’t believe that I would leave. He refused to move out of the house (he had a flat he could have stayed at for free and fully furnished). I had reached my breaking point. I refused point blank to back down and I think he thought he could win me back if he gave me space. So he installed a lock on the basement door (with my side having the lock) and we agreed to split the house until we would sell it.
One night after this split, I got super sick with increasing chest pains and numbness in my arms. My heart rate was 150bpm while resting. I thought i was having a heart attack and unfortunately I didn’t value myself enough to just call 911 for an ambulance. I then made a huge huge mistake. I went to my soon to be ex-husband to take me to the ER. I was gasping for air for 10 minutes while he slowly got on his shoes and looked for his keys. We lived 5 minutes from the ER that could have helped me. Instead of taking me there he drove under the speed limit (25 miles per hour) around the city, while he waited for me to die in the car. I was so scared. He pasted on a smile and enjoyed my terror. His icy calm voice I will never forget while he told me to “calm down” as he still didn’t bring me to the ER.
I finally gained enough cognitive ability to bring out my phone and bring up the directions to the nearest ER. It was then I found we were over an hour away from our house. I don’t know why he finally started driving me there. Fear of me calling 911 is the most likely thought that occurs to me now. When we finally got to the ER, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that this person was an immediate threat to my life. Now it was obvious from the beginning, but I was raised in an environment where it was normal for my life to be in danger. My mother and father both tried in various ways to kill me, but always played it off as a “mistake” (its taken me 5 thousand miles of distance away from those people and 3 years of therapy to admit that).
The doctors automatically saw me for the battered, broken woman I was and pulled me into a room alone. I thank that ER staff everyday. They saved my life that night, and I don’t just mean medically. They did the one thing no one has done for me in my life. They stood up for me and told my husband to go home. I escaped because of them and because of them I grew a spine to never throw away that life that they saved that night.
I hired a lawyer the next day and started the divorce. The house was sold and I kept our pets. I was not about to leave them with someone so abusive, they are my children, and they are currently keeping my feet warm with their fuzziness. I want you to know that you can do this. Do not be like me and wait until its almost too late.
First things first. Battle plan.
What can you do right now that he might not notice? Can you talk to an attorney and see what your options are?
Can you open a bank account of your own so you can start saving for expenses and start your independence?
Can you pack an emergency bag with things you might need if you need to leave in a hurry or one you can leave in the car?
Pet food, plastic bowls for them, disposable litter box/litter if its a cat, leash if its a dog, tupperwear that seals for fish as an emergency home
A change or two of clothing and a jacket?
Mace
Cellphone charger spare
Important documents (license, insurance cards, passport, birth certificate, marriage license, social security card, car title, tax documents for the past 7 years).
Hygiene products (Deodorant, toothbrush, floss, toothpaste, tampons/pads).
Can you talk about this with someone you trust to listen to you? (Remember, what you experience is valid, if your body and instincts are telling you to get out, you owe NO ONE an explanation).
If he hurts you, go directly to the police, ok? Don't be like me and wait until its your life on the line.