Absolutely agree about having things "on paper". We asked BM to buy SD more underwear, for example, after she showed up at our house wearing underwear that maybe fit her 5 years ago. Never happened. I started sending underwear there and wrote it down in the text chat for a history of the neglect there.

Just be ready for defensiveness and backtracking over text. We get her to admit to something and then two texts later after we have indicated that we think she needs to change the behavior she just admitted to, then suddenly she is the perfect parent who only ever does the right thing or argues with us how her way is the right way (ex: we complained about SD not changing her clothes every day and putting dirty clothes back on from the day before. SD said that she does that at her mom's. We brought it up via text and BM argued with us that she's too young to worry about what she wears and that she should be allowed to wear whatever she wants.)

We feel the same way that SD isn't progressing in the ways that she should. In many ways, it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back every week (we have 50/50).

I agree with you that this is not the place for us to sing BMs praises. I am complaining openly about the things that I don't see BM doing. I don't think it's important for me to clarify every post with what BM does right. There are those things too but in general, your post resonated with me that BM admits that parenting is just too difficult for her or and chooses to just sit out or stick her in front of a screen rather than make an effort to do more.