It's hard. I love my husband and I know he tries to understand, but I struggle with sex every time more than he realizes. It makes me bitter sometimes that because I'm married it's something I have to face over and over again, and I'm still so angry (maybe irrationally, I don't know) at my parents because they couldn't see how making that commitment at 19 might possibly be a bad idea- it was all about them saving face at church. I don't want to hurt my husband but I just wish I could have a break. It's not just the sex, it's the guilt of saying no, I'm not in the mood, time after time. Sometimes I wonder if I am asexual and the only reason I was so "wild" (relatively speaking, I was the "wildest" of my church group friends) with boys was to be rebellious/teenage hormones. From what little I learned about sex in church it was supposed to be a given that you would enjoy sex within marriage. But I mostly just feel dirty. I also think that being shamed when I was pregnant really affected me- like "see? That's what happens when you have marriage outside of sex. You deserve every parenting hardship that comes your way."