that’s not what I want…

I don’t want people to get in trouble. I don’t want want to hurt people ever. I’m the type of kid to notice a grading mistake that helped me, and ask my teacher to correct it to give me a 85 instead of a 95 or whatever. I hate it when I get people in trouble by accident.

I made my mom cry month ago (it wasn’t about mental health and stuff and cutting etc), I haven’t cut since.. I can’t hurt my mom in that way again.

On the other hand, I’m not mad at the para at all. I have no hatred towards her. Like the first 2 paragraphs says, I’m thankful for the time and effort she has put in to help me.

I have had breakdowns at school and it’s basically once a week. The para only knows about 2 of them. 2 of them were caused by me trying to advocate for myself and it ended with me melting down.

For example, The first 1 I had was when a teacher asked me what I was doing in the hallway (I was brand new to the school, only there for a couple days at this point), I tried telling her that I couldn’t go to the cafeteria because I have noise sensitivity (I was already overstimulated at this point) She told me I was making excuses for my actions and that I would get in trouble for lying, I melted down because I didn’t feel heard with what I was trying to convey. For this event, I did end up getting into trouble and I’m not mad about it.

I don’t want to shift the blame on the para. I want to work with her instead.