Most days I am pretty damn happy. About to celebrate my 5 year anniversary with my gorgeous and funny wife. My son just turned 8 months and he has vastly exceeded all of our expectations both for parenthood and kids in general. I have an incredible job that pays well but some days I do wish I had financial freedom to pursue my own dreams, but I have a family to support so I can't just hack away at a startup tomorrow. My commute is 10 minutes against traffic and my team at work is first rate. I have a few hobbies that I've worked on for over 10 years such as photography, writing, drawing, computers and tinkering with other electronics. This seems to bring me a big chunk of happiness...being good at things. It wasn't all that easy and looking back in 10 years I am sure I'll laugh at this post and think my past self knew jack squat at the time.
I didn't used to worry about death but it creeps up on me when I am feeling angsty and vulnerable. I fear the loss of the people who are closest to me. I have lost many friends and family and it never gets easier, my reaction just gets more numb. Two years ago I lost a friend who I was on bad terms with at the time. It was over something extremely miniscule and petty and I will forever carry the guilt that I could have made it better with just a phone call, but pride got the best of me. So I try to forgive a little more, give my closest friends and family the benefit of the doubt more often and love more. He passed away in his 20's from a freak work accident so I was totally caught off guard. It hit me so hard I froze up and took a week off of work and avoided almost all human contact. I've never cried so much and I am a grown man. People, try not to hold grudges against the people who are most important to you. You'll just suffocate yourself with hate and negativity.
I have some pretty shitty stuff against me such as losing my home a few years ago. My credit is still on the recovery and I worry I'll be late to the game buying a house for my growing family especially in my area which has seen double digit growth for the past 4 years. My job now easily supports the payments but saving enough for a decent down payment seems like an impossible task right now.
The same time I lost my home, I was in a car accident where a lady who was texting rear ended me. It reinjured my neck which had recovered only 2 weeks prior from major spinal fusion surgery. Talk about terrible luck. I now need to take pain medication every day, possibly for the rest of my life. And I deal with fatigue, nerve damage and many other pains regularly due to the accident. I fear that one day I will be confined to a wheelchair and I won't be able to pick up my grandkids.
Those are some of my deep ones...but again, I am pretty thankful for who I am, what I have and what is to come.