Well, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out for you. That's no fun. I'm married with two kids now and I moved on quite a bit ago. You're quite a catch and I'm sure that if you start looking, you'll find someone better than me in no time. Past that, I don't have feelings for you anymore. Now go make some guy the happiest guy in the world.
Actual thoughts, not text:
Fucking really? What, did you finally divorce the guy who was twenty years older than you after you suckered the rebound you had after me to honeymoon you to Italy - before you divorced him?!
The shit you put me through. I know what it's like to breath a sigh of relief, to feel like everything's going to be okay. It was the day after I called the police! ...the reason I didn't press charges was because I knew it would ruin your chance at your degree! You're welcome, btw.
I met a great girl after I got cool with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. It's great, and, so you know, things aren't always great, and we had some shitty parts in our relationship - even after we were married! But you know what? We worked with each other and decided that we want to be happy people. YES, it can be a choice.
You say you still love me? I'm glad that when you called a couple of months after we broke up that I was already drunk. I'm glad I pissed you off to the point that you started screaming, "I see NOW that YOU never loved ME!" Trust me, that was not the case, but drunk me made one of the best judgement calls of drunk me's life. Question still stands, btw, why the fuck didn't you work for a three way with that "best" friend of yours (I forget her name).
DIDN'T LOVE YOU, really? Lady, I'd get home from work every fucking day, and instead of taking a nap, like I so desperately wanted, I picked your lazy ass up from class.
And let's talk money. Do you know what it is yet? I'd save up for a month, every fucking month, to take you to a nice restaurant, on my wages at the time. Fuck, I'd even show up at your fucking shitty little college retail job and help out with bullshit at your request (I still remember the garbage compactor) and then catch shit for cheating when I had to work late at my job!
...which worked out well, btw. Probably they only college dropout to get promoted to a project manager from receptionist in under a year... "how?!" You might ask? Yeah, I was able to "help" you with your graduate level homework because I'm not an idiot. I dropped out because I've got a low tolerance for bullshit, which ... okay ... the sex was great. Still think that part of your total, worse than normal freak out, was because you let me stick the tip in your ass the night before, but that's irrelevant, because I was blind to just how wrong your brand of crazy is a fit to my brand of crazy.
All that being said, odds are that if my wife finds out that you try to contact me again - yes, she'll know about this - that she'll show you how hard it is to hear after both of your fucking ear drums have been shattered with the unsharpened pencils the fucking school keeps sending our kids home with.
Money? You know how fucking big the diamond is on her fucking ring? Actually, that's a trick question. She expressed, quite clearly, that diamonds are bullshit and that any money that might be spent on one would be better saved for a house, retirement, or just savings.
Yeah, I'm happy here, and you need to go find someone else who's going to deal with your high class signalling, because I ain't got time for your shit.
Yeah, I'll help my wife out with her work when she asks - but if I want a nap, it's no big deal. In fact, after 2008 hit, I haven't been employed. Sure, I have a small business that fully funds our retirement accounts, but I handle almost everything. From lawn care, to folding laundry, to car maintenance, to finances. All she ever needs to worry about is showing up to work. That's it. If she wants to do stuff around here, it's a God damned elective. How's your home life? Still got that kid that you decided to have because the previous abortions were making you nervous? Or did the spite wear off and you decided to return her to her father you divorced?
I'm not bitter at all. It's just the bullshit that exists with you is enough to fertilize an entire state.
Granted, I'm grateful. I would have never been able to grow as a human being with my wife if it hadn't been for you, because you were part of the chain of events in my history that led me to be in the right place at the right time - and our experiences helped me to figure out who I am not. ...never wore those pussy-ass shirts you bought me again, btw.
So, yeah, things are good. They're not always easy, there's a lot of responsibility over here, but this is an unbelievably great life. ...I'm married to my wife, and we have become best friends through trials by fire (my God, do we have war stories) and, while I do wish you the best, I will never, ever, be a part of it.
Still think back fondly of getting caught screwing in my window by that girl walking with her friends to class, that was fucking funny.